In a development that has sent shockwaves of self-congratulation through the British establishment, a man has apologised for making a racist hand gesture during the World Cup. The nation, already bloated on a diet of moral superiority, has declared victory over football bigotry and preemptively awarded itself the Nobel Peace Prize for sheer decency. The apology was issued via a hastily arranged press conference, where the perpetrator, flanked by a PR team and a therapist, solemnly declared that he was 'not a racist,' but had merely been 'temporarily possessed by the ghost of colonialism.
' The crowd of journalists, all wearing Union Jack masks over their faces, nodded approvingly. 'This is who we are,' said one pundit, tears streaming. 'A nation that apologises for things it didn't mean to do.
' Meanwhile, the actual victims of the gesture were offered a complimentary bacon sandwich and a stern reminder that the UK had abolished slavery centuries ago. The government has announced a new initiative: 'Sorry Football,' a nationwide programme teaching toddlers to express regret for their dribbling errors. The Prime Minister, visibly drunk on his own righteousness, declared that this apology 'sets a global standard for accountability.
' In related news, the man's apology has been accepted, and he has been rewarded with a column in the Daily Mail and a lifetime supply of gin from a distillery that definitely isn't run by a convicted fraudster. The UK now leads the world in apologising for things that shouldn't have happened in the first place, a crucial step in the fight against football bigotry. As one senior bishop put it, 'We have proven that we are better than everyone else.
Now, let us all judge other nations from our moral high ground.
