The Aukus submarine pact, that noble three-way aquatic tango between the UK, US, and Australia, has hit a waterspout. An Australian parliamentary inquiry is to probe the deal, seeking assurances that the sunburnt country isn't being sold a frog (or rather, a nuclear sub) that cannot swim. Meanwhile, the British project remains on track, as if propelled by the sheer force of imperial nostalgia.
Let's be clear: This is an inquiry into whether the Australians are getting what they paid for, which is essentially a very expensive, very wet hole in the ocean. The British, ever the chancers, are building their own Dreadnought-class boats with the kind of blithe confidence usually reserved for people who still think the Empire is a good idea. The inquiry will examine whether Australia should instead buy off-the-shelf American boats, which is like asking if you should buy a ready-made suit or have one tailored by a blind man with a hangover.
Aukus, named for the AUKUS acronym that sounds like a sneeze from a pompous diplomat, is designed to counter Chinese naval ambitions in the Indo-Pacific. But now Australia is asking: are we paying for a leaky dinghy? The British government, in its infinite wisdom, has assured everyone that our own submarine programme is 'on schedule,' which is Whitehall code for 'five years late and double the budget.'
The inquiry will also look at the industrial benefits for Australia. Because nothing says 'strategic partnership' like asking, 'What's in it for us?' The British have already promised to share technology, which presumably includes the secret recipe for warm beer and the art of queuing for a bus in the rain.
Meanwhile, the Royal Navy's submarine fleet is ageing faster than a rock star's liver, with some boats so old they still use sextants and hope. The new Dreadnought class is supposed to replace the Trident system, but they are being built with such glacial speed that global warming might render them obsolete before they launch. The Australian inquiry is thus a welcome dose of scrutiny, because nobody wants a nuclear sub that leaks both radiation and taxpayer funds.
In the end, the Aukus deal is a monument to global alliances, a testament to Anglo-Saxon solidarity in the face of growing Chinese assertiveness. It's also a massive, trillion-dollar gamble that may end up with Australia owning a fleet of submarines that cannot find their way out of Sydney Harbour. The British project remains on track, because it has to be. We are an island nation that rules the waves, or at least we did before we sold all our fishing rights to the Spanish.
So raise a glass of navy-strength gin to the Aukus inquiry. Let them ask the hard questions. Let them uncover whether the emperor (or rather, the First Sea Lord) has any clothes. Because if these subs don't work, we might have to go back to fighting wars with the Spanish Armada. And we all know how that ends.
