In a stunning display of vigilance that surely made Tony Abbott’s ghost of Christmas past puff with pride, the land of Oz has finally done something about the persistent pimple of global terror: they arrested a returning ISIL fighter. Yes, the very same type of bloke who thought swapping his thongs for suicide vest was a viable career move. The Australian Federal Police, in a deft manoeuvre that would make even the stealthiest kangaroo jealous, scooped up a gentleman who allegedly spent his gap year in Syria honing his skills in the dark arts of mass murder and self-immolation.
This, we are told, is a monumental victory in the war on terror, a conflict that has been raging for so long that even Osama bin Laden’s beard has probably grown back in heaven. The returnee, whose name is being kept under wraps tighter than a politician’s expense account, now faces the prospect of a long chat with Australian intelligence, who will no doubt ply him with tea and biccies while gently probing for nuggets of information that might prevent the next atrocity. But let’s be honest, the real terror here is that this bloke probably spent his time in Syria watching YouTube jihadist videos and playing Call of Duty, only to come home and find that his local Woolies has run out of avocado.
The Australian government, in its infinite wisdom, is now promising stricter laws and more resources to handle such cases, as though they’ve only just realised that people who go abroad to join death cults might come back with some pretty anti-social ideas. Meanwhile, the rest of the world yawns and turns back to the latest cat meme on Facebook, because nothing says “global terror threat” quite like a bloke with a clip-on tie and a grudge against modernity. So raise a glass, Australia.
The threat is real, the response is measured, and the irony is thicker than the outback dust. Your Dick Van Dyke impersonators have struck again.
