BANGKOK (via my fevered imagination and a tragically empty gin bottle) – The Land of Smiles is currently wearing a grimace of profound juridical confusion. A 24-year-old Australian, who I can only assume was named 'Bort' or 'Maddox' and has a tattoo of a surfboard on his calf, is now starring in an international legal drama so absurd it could only be set in Thailand.
The gist, for those of you still sober: A bloke from Down Under, whose alleged hobby appears to be 'luggage mishandling of a homicidal variety', has been charged with the murder of a human being whose remains were, allegedly, discovered in a suitcase. The details are, as you'd expect, a symphony of horror and farce. Police reportedly found the case 'suspicious' because it smelled less like jasmine rice and more like 'the grim reaper's laundry basket'.
But wait! The real comedy gold here is not the alleged crime. It's the frothing, slobbering reaction from the British commentariat, who have seized upon this tragedy to extol the virtues of the UK's extradition laws. Yes, because nothing says 'global standard in jurisprudence' like a system that can extradite a struggling computer hacker to the United States for the crime of making a US military printer churn out 60 copies of a form, but can't seem to get a handle on a bloke who allegedly stowed a body in a Samsonite.
Let's be perfectly clear. The UK's extradition regime is not a global standard. It's a global embarrassment. It's a system where the word 'justice' is painted on the side of a clown car careening towards a cliff. The American extradition treaty, in particular, is a masterwork of asymmetrical absurdity. It allows the US to demand the extradition of British citizens for actions that are perfectly legal in the UK, while the British government meekly complies, like a nervous librarian handing over a book to a bulldog.
But now, the murder in a suitcase case has provided a fresh opportunity for grandstanding. We'll have stern-faced politicians on the Today programme, their voices dripping with faux concern, telling us that 'this case underlines the need for robust systems of international law enforcement cooperation' while simultaneously slashing legal aid budgets and allowing the prison system to rot. The sheer hypocrisy is enough to make a saint choke on his communion wafer.
Meanwhile, the Australian government is presumably sending a strongly worded letter about 'Australian values' and 'mateship' while quietly hoping the whole thing blows over so they can get back to arguing about cricket and which side of the toilet paper roll is correct.
Let's not forget the real victims here: the poor Thai prison where this chap will likely be held. Thai prisons are not renowned for their spa-like amenities. They are places where the line between 'detainee' and 'zoo exhibit' is alarmingly thin. The man might have been better off shoving himself into a suitcase and checking himself into the cargo hold of a flight to a country with a functioning judicial system.
But no. Instead, we get a global media circus, a government desperate to prove its relevance, and a public whose appetite for ghoulish detail is never sated. The suitcase will be photographed from every angle. The suspect's Facebook selfies will be aired on Sky News. And the British will, once again, pat themselves on the back for having a legal system that is 'the envy of the world' while ignoring the fact that it's about as fair and balanced as a greased pig at a vegan convention.
So raise a glass of something distilled and dubious to the farce of international justice. To the Australian who allegedly turned a holiday into a horror show. To the British politicians who will use his case to justify more stupid extradition rules. And to the rest of us, watching the whole absurd spectacle unfold, wondering if maybe, just maybe, we're the ones living in a fever dream from which we can't wake up.
