In a development that has sent shockwaves through the international legal community, or at least through the front pages of the Daily Mail, an Australian man has been charged with murder after a body was discovered in a suitcase. And where does the credit for this triumph of justice go? Naturally, to the United Kingdom’s extradition and justice systems, which have been lauded as ‘robust’ by officials who, one suspects, have never actually used either.
Let’s be honest: the UK’s extradition system is about as robust as a soggy Digestive biscuit. It took us years to get rid of that bloke who tried to extradite himself to Spain to avoid paying for a round of drinks. And as for the justice system, it’s so robust that a man can be convicted of murder, release a chart-topping single from prison, and then get a TV gig. But no matter. Here we are, patting ourselves on the back because an Australian, having allegedly committed a crime involving luggage, might eventually be sent back Down Under to face the music.
One can almost hear the self-congratulatory clinking of teacups in Whitehall. “Oh, jolly good show,” they’ll say. “Our extradition treaty is working splendidly. Never mind the cost, the delays, or the fact that we couldn’t extradite a slice of toast from a toaster. This one time, it worked! Let’s throw a garden party!”
But wait, there’s more. The victim, I’m told, was found in a suitcase. A suitcase! The very symbol of modern travel, of holiday hopes and dreams, now reduced to a repository of grim forensic evidence. Had the killer used a duffel bag, it might have been less tragic. But a suitcase? That’s just showboating.
Let us not forget the Australian angle. Australia, a nation built on the backs of convicts, now finds itself in the curious position of demanding one of its own be returned to face justice. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a shrimp barbie. “Fair dinkum,” they’ll say, “send him back so we can lock him up and throw away the key.” And the UK will oblige, because we are all about international cooperation when it doesn’t involve paying our bar tab.
And so, the circus continues. The suspect will be remanded, the lawyers will bill, the journalists will salivate, and somewhere, a man in a suit will give a press conference praising the system for being, and I quote, “robust.” I’ll raise a glass of airport gin to that. Just make sure there’s no luggage nearby.
