In a development that has sent ripples through the tinfoil hat community and given the Ministry of Defence something to do other than polish their swagger sticks, the United States government has declassified four brand spanking new videos of Unidentified Flying Objects. The footage, which shows what look like suspiciously well-behaved orbs zipping about with the clear intention of annoying fighter pilots, has prompted UK intelligence to assume the position: monitoring. One can only imagine the scene at MI5: a lone intern with a kettle and a stack of blank observation forms.
The videos, released without comment from the White House, depict objects that do not conform to known aeronautical principles or, indeed, common decency. They bob, weave, accelerate with the grace of a drunken badger, and generally behave as if they have read the script for 'Independence Day' and decided to improvise. My sources (a man in a pub who once saw a weather balloon) suggest these UFOs are either a) extraterrestrial tourists snapping selfies over Area 51, b) Chinese spy drones disguised as hubcaps, or c) the ghost of Harold Wilson’s pipe smoke.
The UK response, as ever, is to 'monitor the situation', a phrase that covers a multitude of inactions. I anticipate a hastily convened COBRA meeting where they will discuss colour-coded threat levels and the correct way to brew Earl Grey during an alien invasion. The Ministry of Defence, in a statement that reads like a discarded Monty Python sketch, confirmed they are scrutinising the footage.
But scrutinising is not intercepting. We are watching as a Chinese lantern from a birthday party in Slough drifts nonchalantly over the Thames. Meanwhile, the Americans, having declassified these gems, are presumably waiting for an appropriate moment to admit they were all just drones from a Roswell gift shop.
The truth, as they say, is out there. Probably hovering just outside Luton.
