In a move that has startled absolutely no one with a functioning memory of the last 75 years, Israel has decided to spice up the Middle Eastern neighbourhood with another air strike on Beirut. The bombs fell with all the grace of a drunk uncle at a wedding, and suddenly everyone is talking about a 'wider war' as if that hasn't been the region's default setting since time immemorial. British diplomats, those masterful shufflers of deckchairs on the Titanic, have urged restraint.
Restraint? From a government whose national motto might as well be 'Why Not, We've Got the Missiles?' The sheer cheek of it.
One can almost hear the gin glasses clinking in Whitehall as they draft another strongly worded letter. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a crumpet. Meanwhile, the citizens of Beirut once again practise their favourite sport: dodging shrapnel while wondering if their portable charger has enough juice to livestream the apocalypse.
As for the 'wider war', well, when your neighbourhood barbecue involves intercontinental ballistic missiles and a side of humanitarian crisis, perhaps it's time to admit the garden party is over. But don't worry, the UK is on it. They've sent diplomats.
The same diplomats who couldn't negotiate a ceasefire in a kindergarten playground. Brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, for the sound of distant explosions and closer tutting.
