Antwerp, a city known for its diamonds, chocolate, and now its capacity for spontaneous human combustion on an architectural scale. Five souls have ascended to that great chimney in the sky after a suspicious blaze ripped through a residential property, reducing lives to ashes and neighbourhoods to questions. British fire investigators, those experts in deducing whether a blaze was caused by faulty wiring or a faulty sense of morality, have been dispatched to assist their Belgian counterparts.
The delegation, no doubt including a man named Keith who owns a very serious-looking clipboard, will apply their unique brand of forensic scrutiny to the charred remains. Expect conclusions involving 'accelerants,' 'human error,' or possibly 'Zeus's lightning bolt of justice.' The victims, yet unnamed, are presumably being mourned by families who are now wondering if their insurance covers acts of God or government.
Meanwhile, the British tabloids are already drafting headlines: 'FIVE DEAD IN BELGIUM: WAS IT THE EU?' or 'CHIP BUTTY SHOP CLOSED DUE TO TRAGEDY, LOCALS DEVASTATED.' The irony of British investigators teaching Belgians about fire safety is not lost on anyone who has ever seen a London tube strike.
A source whispered to me, 'We're here to help, but between you and me, we're mainly here to remind them that we invented the industrial revolution and thus the modern fire.' The cause remains unknown, but I have a theory: it's the continental breakfast's fault. Always is.
