In a development so predictable it could have been written by a committee of clairvoyant goldfish, Germany has pointed a trembling finger at Russia following a humiliating defeat at the UN Security Council. The motion, which sought to condemn a non-existent breach of international law in a country no one can find on a map, was vetoed by Moscow with the casual disdain of a cat knocking a glass off a table. Berlin, still smarting from the indignity of being outvoted by a nation whose economy is the size of Belgium's, has accused the Kremlin of 'imperial adventurism'.
The UK Foreign Office, never one to miss an opportunity to wag a finger at historical enemies, promptly issued a statement warning of 'Russia's dangerous and expansionist ambitions'. One can only assume the bear in question is currently marauding through the shrubbery of some former Soviet republic, looking for a honey pot to kick over. But let us not be fooled: this is not about territorial disputes or strategic interests.
This is about the Kremlin's insatiable desire to be the loudest voice in the room, even if that room is a decaying institution that hasn't passed a meaningful resolution since the Carter administration. Germany, for its part, has learned the hard way that diplomacy without teeth is merely a firm letter posted in a broken postbox. As for the UK, our Foreign Office's alarm is as predictable as rain at a British wedding.
We have been warning of Russian imperial ambitions since the Tsar was still executing Romanovs, and yet Moscow's borders have barely budged beyond Crimea and a few muddy fields in Donbas. Perhaps it is time to accept that Russia's imperialism is less a strategic plan and more a nervous tic, a reflexive twitch whenever the West so much as looks at its periphery. Meanwhile, the real imperialists remain unblamed: the UN itself, a gilded dinosaur that continues to lumber across the diplomatic landscape, leaving a trail of broken treaties and ignored resolutions.
But let us not burden ourselves with such inconvenient truths. We must have a villain, and Russia is ever willing to play the pantomime baddie, complete with dramatic cape and sinister laugh. So raise a glass of cheap airport gin to the show, dear reader.
The theatre of international relations continues, and we are but the audience, paying with our taxes for a front-row seat to absurdity.
