In a move that has stunned absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, Benjamin 'The Bulldozer' Netanyahu has ordered the IDF to seize 70% of the Gaza Strip, presumably to make room for a new golf course and a mini-golf for Bibi's garden gnomes. The British Government, ever the voice of reason in a madhouse, has responded with a desperate call for a 'humanitarian pause' – which in diplomatic speak means 'please stop dropping bombs so we can pretend we've done something'.
Let's break this down, shall we? The man who once compared himself to Winston Churchill (while probably forgetting Churchill's fondness for cigars and not, you know, ethnic cleansing) is now going for a land grab that would make a Victorian colonialist blush. The 70% figure is particularly delightful: it's precise enough to sound strategic but vague enough to leave room for interpretation. Perhaps they'll leave the remaining 30% as a 'buffer zone', or maybe just a car park for the Merkava tanks.
Across the pond in Westminster, Sir Keir 'The Grey' Starmer has been shuffling papers and looking concerned, which is roughly the diplomatic equivalent of sending a strongly worded letter while someone burns down your garden shed. The UK's Foreign Secretary, David 'Damp Squib' Lammy, has issued a statement urging 'de-escalation' and 'respect for international law', words that now have the same ring as 'free unicorn with every tank purchase'.
But let's not be too hard on our British cousins. They've had a rough week: the weather is terrible, the trains are on strike, and now this. The only humanitarian pause they're likely to get is the one between the time they ask Israel nicely and the time the White House calls to say 'cool it, lads'.
The real question is: what happens when you take 70% of Gaza? Do you give it back with a gift receipt? Do you fence it off and charge admission? And what of the two million souls crammed into that sliver of coastline? I imagine they'll be offered a selection of premium relocation packages: the West Bank (slightly used), Egypt (no, not that part), or a one-way ticket to the Mediterranean (swimming optional).
Netanyahu, of course, is doing a victory lap, calling it 'security measures' and 'expanded buffer zones'. Meanwhile, the Israeli far-right is already measuring curtains for their new settlements. Expect the first 'Gaza Hills' real estate sign by Tuesday.
In conclusion, the British Government's call for a humanitarian pause is about as effective as asking a hurricane to 'please stop, think of the roof tiles'. But at least they spelled 'humanitarian' correctly. One small mercy in a world gone mad.
