In a dizzying twist that has left football’s moral compass spinning like a dropped pie at a Wetherspoons, British fans have been lauded for... not being absolute reprobates. Yes, you read that correctly. After Japanese supporters — those saints of the stationary aisle — were caught red-handed picking up crisp packets and empty pint glasses at the World Cup, some enterprising soul decided to turn the lens back on Blighty and whisper, “Well, what about us?”
A new report, presumably concocted in the back of a taxi by a PR firm with a dictionary of cliches and a hatred of nuance, declares that the British sporting public has “improved dramatically” in the last decade. Astonishing. In other news, water is wet and politicians lie. The praise centres on the 2020 European Championship, where crowds allegedly displayed a “civic pride” that left the rest of Europe gobsmacked. Or possibly just gobsmacked by the sight of a man in a waistcoat who can’t kick a ball straight.
Now, let us not be churlish. There is a kernel of truth here: compared to the chaos of the 1980s, when football terraces resembled the Mongol hordes after a bad curry, modern grounds are practically temples of tolerance. But the idea that we are ready for a gold medal in ‘Not Being a Complete Wally’ is like awarding a goldfish for not drowning. The bar is so low it’s limbo dancing with the Devil.
Enter the Japanese, who have elevated post-match cleanup to a national sport. Their fans leave stadiums spotless, often equipped with bin bags and a sense of collective responsibility that would make a Buddhist monk weep with envy. Meanwhile, our response is to pat ourselves on the back for not setting fire to a kebab shop. And now, women from all corners of the globe – presumably tired of watching their menfolk treat every public space like a personal ash tray – are taking to social media to say: “Do it at home too.” The nerve. The audacity. The simple, devastating logic.
But the real scandal here is the sheer lack of perspective. We are celebrating mediocrity in the same way a parent claps when their toddler manages to use the toilet. Yes, we have improved. Yes, there are fewer pitch invasions and less casual racism. But to suggest that British sporting culture is a model for the world is like saying warm beer is the pinnacle of refreshment. It might be acceptable if you’ve been raised in a fog of resignation, but it is not something you export.
The report also claims that “British fans have a unique ability to create a carnival atmosphere.” Unique? Every country with a pulse and a supply of cheap lager can do that. The difference is that in Japan, the carnival ends with a broom. Here it ends with a slow trudge through a field of discarded vape pens and regret.
So, to the women of the world who have pointed out this glaring hypocrisy: we salute you. Your call for “international consistency” is the kind of common sense that will be roundly ignored by everyone in a suit. And to the Japanese fans: please keep cleaning. It makes for a nice contrast. But do not, under any circumstances, expect a round of applause from us for not being a total disaster. We reserve that for finishing second in Euro 2020 and for Alan Shearer’s eyebrow.
