In a move that has sent shivers down the spine of every Kremlin-aligned oligarch with a taste for London real estate, His Majesty's Government has announced a swift and terrible crackdown on the nation's shameful addiction to Russian diesel and jet fuel. Yes, from the very same people who brought you poisoned umbrellas and election interference, we now declare our independence from their filthy hydrocarbons. By the time the bells ring in 2025, Britain will be running on nothing but good old North Sea crude, leftover chip fat, and possibly the tears of Remainer MPs.
Whitehall sources, speaking through a haze of single malt and desperation, claim this is a 'sovereignty drive' a term that usually precedes a police raid on a cannabis farm. But no, this is serious. We are talking about a complete phase-out of Russian diesel and jet fuel imports.
The audacity. The sheer nerve. It is as if the government has finally realised that buying fuel from a man who keeps nuclear briefcases next to his caviar might not be sound fiscal policy.
Critics, however, point out that this is like a smoker quitting tobacco by promising to only vape. We will simply import our diesel from somewhere else, probably a country with a human rights record that requires a microscope to find. But let us not dwell on such trivialities.
This is a victory for sovereignty, for Brexit, and for the vague feeling of moral superiority that comes from doing something slightly less terrible. One cannot help but imagine the scenes at an RAF base: ground crew carefully syringing the last drops of Russian jet fuel from a Typhoon's tank, whispering 'goodbye, Putin' before pumping in a blend of recycled farts and unicorn dreams. The jet fuel phase-out is particularly delicious.
Our planes will now run on tea, biscuits, and the pure kinetic energy of Sir David Attenborough's disappointment. So raise a glass of something flammable, chaps. We are finally stickin' it to the Kremlin.
At least until we discover that our backup supplier is run by a ex-KGB colonel named Boris. But that's a story for another day. For now, rejoice.
Britain is taking back control, one barrel at a time.
