In a move that has absolutely nobody reaching for the smelling salts, Israel has once again decided that the best way to make a point is with a deafening bang. The Israeli Air Force, clearly not getting the memo that the world is trying to have a quiet weekend, launched strikes on Lebanon. This comes just hours after Donald Trump, in a rare moment of foreign policy clarity (or possibly just indigestion), told Israel to 'stop the slaughter.' But let's be honest, when Trump tells you to stop, it's like being told to behave by a toddler with a rocket launcher.
Meanwhile, the UK, ever the bastion of 'do as we say, not as we do,' has called for restraint. Because nothing says 'restraint' like an open palm in the face of a country that has been bombarding its neighbour with all the subtlety of a drunk bloke at a wedding. The Foreign Office has issued a statement: 'We urge all parties to de-escalate.' De-escalate. That's the diplomatic equivalent of telling a lion to stop eating the gazelle because it's a bit noisy.
Now, I've been to Lebanon. Lovely country. Hummus that would make a vegan weep. But also a place that has been used as a punching bag by everyone with a grudge and a military budget. And Israel? Well, they're just doing what Israel does best: turning an area the size of Wales into a live-action Call of Duty match.
The truly spectacular part is that this is all happening while the world’s attention is supposedly on Ukraine. Or the economy. Or whichever celebrity has shagged whom. But no, here we are, watching the Middle East do what it does best: proving that peace is just an acronym for Politely Esperanto And Completely Expected.
So, what’s the endgame? God knows. Probably another ceasefire that everyone will ignore within a week. And the UK? We'll keep calling for restraint from our comfortable chairs, preferably while sipping a nice cup of tea and pretending that our arms sales to Saudi Arabia are just a 'economic partnership.'
But fear not. The UN is on it. And by 'on it,' I mean they'll hold an emergency meeting, draft a strongly worded resolution, and then ignore it when the coffee arrives. Because that's how the world works. Bombs fall, words fly, and nothing changes.
Right, I'm off for a gin. A large one. Preferably with a slice of lemon and a complete disregard for the rules of international law.
