Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Middle East serving up a fresh slice of geopolitical chaos with a side of flaming aviation fuel. New footage has surfaced, allegedly showing an Iranian drone turning Kuwait’s airport into a scene from a Michael Bay film minus the witty one-liners. British defence analysts, those chaps who spend their days staring at satellite images and muttering about ‘escalation dynamics’, have reacted with the kind of restrained panic usually reserved for running out of gin at a vicar’s party.
Let us set the scene. A drone, presumably built by some Iranian engineer who watched too many Hollywood blockbusters, decides to take a holiday in Kuwaiti airspace. It arrives unannounced, uninvited, and with a payload that suggests it was not carrying duty-free Toblerones. The footage, grainy and shaky as a politician’s promise, shows a flash, a puff of smoke, and then a lot of very angry men in high-vis jackets waving their arms about.
Enter the British defence analysts. These are the same experts who assured us Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and that Brexit would be a jolly good lark. Now they sit in windowless rooms in Whitehall, stroking their chins and uttering profundities like ‘This represents a significant escalation in regional tensions.’ No, really? I thought it was a surprise airshow. One analyst, whose name I shan’t mention but who definitely has a waxed moustache, told the BBC that ‘the use of drones in this manner is a game changer.’ Well, colour me shocked. Drones used to drop things on things. Who knew?
But let’s not get bogged down in the obvious. The real story is the sheer absurdity of it all. Iran, a country that claims its drones are purely for defensive purposes, sends one to bomb an airport in a neutral country. It is like a man saying he only carries a knife for self-defence while stabbing his neighbour’s cat. And what of Kuwait? Poor Kuwait, caught between the sanctions and the chaos, probably thought it was having a quiet Tuesday. Now it is the centre of a diplomatic row that will no doubt involve lots of strongly worded letters and possibly some economic sanctions that hurt the local date farmers.
The British response, as ever, is a masterclass in understatement. The Foreign Office has issued a statement expressing ‘deep concern’ and calling for ‘de-escalation. This is the diplomatic equivalent of tutting at a child who’s just set fire to the curtains. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence is likely revving up its fleet of Typhoons and practising its stern looks. But do not expect any actual action. Britain’s military adventures these days are limited to sending a few advisors and hoping for the best.
Let us not forget the domestic angle. This will inevitably be used by the government to justify increased defence spending. Hunt will point at Kuwait and say, ‘See? We need more nuclear submarines and missile defence systems.’ And the opposition, terrified of being seen as weak, will nod along while secretly hoping the whole thing blows over before the next election.
In the end, what have we learned? That drones are now the weapon of choice for anyone with a grudge and a remote control. That British analysts will always find a way to sound important while saying nothing. And that Kuwait Airport’s insurance premiums are about to go through the roof. So raise a glass to the absurdity of it all. And perhaps avoid flying through Kuwait for a while.
Until next time, stay out of drone alley, and keep your gin locked up tight.
