In a spectacle that could only be described as God’s own barbecue getting out of hand, Blue Origin’s latest uncrewed New Shepard launch ground to a halt yesterday as a fireball erupted mid-flight, turning Florida’s Cape Canaveral into a very expensive bonfire. The British Space Agency, never one to miss an opportunity for a sternly worded memo, has immediately called for a review of safety protocols. Because nothing says ‘spacefaring future’ quite like a committee meeting in Swindon.
The incident occurred at approximately 10:30 AM Eastern Time, as the rocket ascended majestically before deciding that looking like a festive Catherine wheel was more exciting. Blue Origin, the vanity project of Jeff Bezos (a man who has apparently decided that owning half the planet is insufficient and now wants to own all the rest), has remained characteristically tight-lipped. But the footage is glorious. It shows the booster’s engine plume morphing from a neat blue flame into a proper, full-blown, Grade-A fireball of what I presume is extremely expensive rocket fuel. No one was hurt, because the universe is kind, but the spectacle was enough to make any taxpayer weep.
Enter the British Space Agency. Their response was swift, predictable and beautifully bureaucratic. A spokesperson (no doubt wearing a sensible jumper and clutching a cup of tea) declared: “We are monitoring the situation closely and will cooperate fully with any investigation.” This is the same agency that has put precisely zero humans into orbit from British soil, but by God they know how to write a letter. They have called for an “immediate review” of procedures, which in practice means someone will fill out a form in triplicate and file it in a cabinet somewhere in Milton Keynes.
But let’s be honest. This is not about safety. This is about the exquisite absurdity of billionaires playing with fireworks. Elon Musk’s SpaceX has its own exploding rocket habit, but at least Musk has the decency to blow them up in the middle of nowhere. Bezos, however, must have his explosions beamed live onto the Internet for all to enjoy. And enjoy we did. The memes were flying faster than the rocket ever did.
The Fireball of 2025 will no doubt be dissected by engineers. They will speak in terms of ‘anomalies’ and ‘propellant combustion events’. They will nod wisely and adjust equations. But for us common folk, it was a reminder that the Space Age is essentially a bunch of rich blokes setting fire to their money while the rest of us watch from the ground, occasionally picking up bits of scorched debris as souvenirs.
The British Space Agency’s call for a review is, of course, entirely meaningless. Blue Origin will continue its private launches, Bezos will continue buying yachts, and the only thing that will truly be reviewed is the agency’s ability to generate press releases. But as a satirical correspondent, I salute them. For in a world of chaos and flame, the steady hand of British bureaucracy is a comforting constant: they will always, always be there to write a strongly worded letter after the fact.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check on my gin supply. After a fireball, one needs a proper libation.
