In a development that has sent shockwaves of the very cheapest variety through the corridors of the Foreign Office, a Trump-endorsed populist firebrand has today seized the presidency of Colombia. The news, delivered to a stunned Whitehall over a lukewarm cup of something undrinkable, has confirmed London’s worst fears: the Americas are now a theme park for strongmen with spray tans and bad ideas. The victor, one Hernando “El Toro” Guzmán, ran on a platform so preposterous it made Boris Johnson look like a policy wonk.
His signature pledge? To rename the Amazon after Donald Trump, because “the rainforest needs a real estate developer’s touch.” To be fair, clearing the trees for a golf course does sound rather efficient, does it not?
But the real terror, the one that has the mandarins of King Charles Street choking on their Earl Grey, is the regional realignment. Guzmán has already announced a new alliance called the “Cocaine and Cowboys Compact,” which will reportedly include Brazil, Argentina, and a man from a pub in Paraguay who has a very good feeling about things. The compact’s first act is to declare the Monroe Doctrine “a bit passé” and replace it with the “Make Latin America Grate Again” initiative.
The British government, ever the master of understatement, has issued a statement expressing “profound concern” and advising Britons in Colombia to stock up on quinine and avoid any political rallies featuring live ammunition. Meanwhile, the City of London is already hedging its bets, with several hedge funds reportedly investing in inflatable neck braces for future diplomatic negotiations. As your correspondent, I can only say this: if you thought Brexit was a mess, wait until you see what happens when a populist with a mandate and a working volcano decides to rebuild the Panama Canal.
The gin, as ever, is running low.
