In a development that has left satirists weeping with joy and serious journalists reaching for the gin, Bolivia has signed a $20 million agreement with the United States to combat drug trafficking. Yes, the very same Bolivia that once expelled the DEA and whose former president, Evo Morales, was a card-carrying member of the anti-imperialist club. Now they're taking American cash like a broke aristocrat selling the family silver. The UK, meanwhile, has issued a sternly worded statement urging similar 'cooperation' within the Commonwealth, presumably because nothing says 'special relationship' like a bit of lucrative hand-wringing over cocaine.
Let us parse this magnificent absurdity. The US, which has spent the last fifty years fighting a drug war with all the effectiveness of a drunk trying to swat a fly with a brick, has decided that the solution is to throw more money at Bolivia. Bolivia, a nation that has historically treated coca leaves as a sacred gift from the gods and not as a precursor to nose candy. The deal, sweetened with $20 million of crisp, non-sequential bills, will involve 'technical assistance' and 'capacity building.' Translation: American advisers will sit in air-conditioned offices in La Paz while Bolivian soldiers burn coca fields and arrest peasants. The drug lords, of course, will continue to laugh all the way to their offshore accounts.
The UK's response is a masterclass in hypocritical hand-wringing. Foreign Office mandarins, who have been quietly allowing London to become the world's money-laundering capital, have now piped up to remind the Commonwealth that 'cooperation' is key. This is the same Commonwealth that includes nations like Belize, where the UK has no actual influence but enjoys pretending it does. The same UK that recently cut aid to Colombia, a country actually on the frontline of the drug war, because austerity. But fear not, they will 'explore options' for similar deals. Perhaps they'll offer a cut-price subscription to the Monarchy Channel or a crate of warm ale.
The Bolivian deal is a beautiful, grotesque monument to the War on Drugs. On one hand, you have the US, which has spent a trillion dollars on this crusade and seen drug deaths rise. On the other, Bolivia, which has now discovered that denouncing Yankee imperialism is a lucrative business model. The coca farmers, who have been protesting for decades, will now presumably be offered micro-loans to grow quinoa. The drug mules will be replaced by drones. And the politicians? They'll be taking a cut of the $20 million, because that's how development works.
Meanwhile, the UK's call for Commonwealth cooperation is like a vegan suggesting a barbecue. We have no moral authority, no effective strategy, and a Prime Minister who once forgot which department was responsible for drug policy. But by all means, let's form a committee. Let's have a summit. Let's commission a report. Because nothing stops the flow of cocaine quite like a beautifully bound PDF.
In conclusion, the Bolivian deal is a win-win for everyone except the people it's supposed to help. The US gets to feel tough on crime, Bolivia gets a cash injection, and the UK gets to pretend it's part of the solution. The drug lords will just have to work a little harder to launder their money through London property. But don't worry, the Bank of England has a very nice letter template for that sort of thing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to replenish my gin supply. The absurdity of the world demands it.
