In a development so absurd it could only be real, the Bolivian government has signed an anti-drug pact with the United States, promising to trade intelligence in exchange for cash and, presumably, a lifetime supply of llama-based snacks. But here's the rub: this deal has inadvertently supercharged a British-Colombian intelligence axis, sending shivers down the spines of cartel bosses and giving MI6 something to do other than monitoring the Queen's corgis.
Yes, dear reader, your tax pounds are now funding a cocaine-fighting coalition that stretches from the Bolivian altiplano to the rain-slicked streets of Bogotá. How delightfully British. Our spooks, already renowned for their stiff upper lips and ability to navigate a gin-soaked embassy reception, are now rubbing shoulders with Colombian intelligence chiefs who have probably seen more action in a Tuesday afternoon than most MPs see in a lifetime.
The deal, announced with all the fanfare of a soggy biscuit, promises to 'disrupt drug supply chains' and 'confront organised crime.' Translation: more drones, more surveillance, more badly-dressed men in vans with oversized headphones. But here's the twist: the Brits are reportedly sharing comms intercepts and analytic wizardry with their Colombian counterparts, while the Colombians provide the 'boots on the ground' and the 'slightly intimidating moustaches.'
Of course, the US is the puppet master, pulling strings from Washington while pretending to be interested in Bolivian democracy. But the real beneficiaries are the cartels, who now have a united front to outwit. Or, more likely, they'll just bribe a few low-level officials and carry on as usual. After all, when has a bureaucratic agreement ever stopped a man with a suitcase full of cash and a shipment of Peruvian Marching Powder?
Meanwhile, in London, a Whitehall source (who spoke on condition of anonymity and a double gin) whispered that the cooperation is 'unprecedented' and 'a game-changer.' Which, in spy-speak, means 'we'll probably cock it up but at least we're doing something.' The Bolivians, for their part, are thrilled to have found a new patron to replace the one they just alienated, while the Colombians are just happy someone else is paying for the ammunition.
So raise a glass of something suspiciously clear to this new axis of awkwardness. It may not stop the flow of cocaine onto the streets of Bristol, but it will certainly keep a lot of intelligence officers employed. And in this economy, that's almost as good as a victory.
