In a twist that surprised precisely nobody except perhaps a startled pigeon on the White House lawn, John Bolton, the human walrus with the moustache that harbours state secrets, has pleaded guilty to mishandling classified documents. Yes, the same Bolton who once boasted of knowing more secrets than a Kremlin filing cabinet, now finds himself on the wrong end of the law. It's like watching a pirate get nicked for jaywalking while carrying a treasure map.
The charge? One count of willful retention of national defence information, a legal mouthful that translates roughly to 'keeping things you shouldn't have because you're a pompous git.' Prosecutors allege Bolton stashed top-secret documents in his home, presumably for bedtime reading or to impress dinner guests. 'And this is the one where we planned to invade Canada,' he might have said, waving a folder over the canapés.
Bolton's legal team, no doubt paid with the proceeds of his many book deals, argued that this was a simple misunderstanding. 'He thought the 'Top Secret' stamp meant he was supposed to put it on top of his secret pile,' they claimed. The judge, unimpressed, reminded Bolton that the classification system was not a suggestion, like the 'do not remove under penalty of law' tag on a mattress.
This plea deal comes as a relief to those who feared Bolton might use his trial as a platform for his unique brand of hawkish, moustache-twirling rhetoric. Imagine the closing arguments: 'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I may have taken these documents, but consider the alternative: leaving them in the hands of government bureaucrats who couldn't find their own backside with a map and a compass.'
The irony, as thick as the fog in a London pea-souper, is that Bolton spent years accusing everyone else of leaking secrets. He was the security guard who left the door wide open and then blamed the cat. His guilty plea is a masterclass in the law of unintended consequences, or perhaps just the law, full stop.
What punishment awaits this wayward spymaster? A fine? Probation? Community service spent teaching espionage etiquette to secondary school students? One hopes for something more creative, like banning him from any room with more than one filing cabinet. Or making him write a book about the experience, which he'll probably do anyway.
In a broader sense, this case highlights the absurdity of the classified document game. Everyone from Hillary to Trump to Biden has played it, treating state secrets like party favours. Bolton is just the latest contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Felon?' and he's picked 'retain documents' without using his lifeline.
So raise a glass of something civilised - gin, perhaps - to the downfall of yet another Washington grandee who thought the rules were for other people. May his plea be a reminder that even the most grandiose moustache cannot hide a guilty conscience. Or a classified document, for that matter.
