In a development so predictably farcical it could have been scripted by a drunken satirist with a grudge against democracy, John Bolton, the man whose moustache once tried to stage a coup in Venezuela, has pleaded guilty to mishandling classified information. Yes, the same Bolton who once opined that the International Criminal Court should be disbanded has now found himself on the wrong end of a legal spanking. The charges?
Failing to properly secure state secrets, which is rather like a lifeguard drowning in a paddling pool. Our cousins across the pond at British intelligence are reportedly ‘deeply concerned’ about US security gaps, which is diplomatic parlance for ‘we’re building an extra bunker and hoarding gin’. The irony, dear reader, is so thick you could spread it on a crumpet.
Bolton, a man who spent his career lecturing others on national security, apparently treated classified documents like confetti at a wedding. One imagines his defence will be that he was too busy planning illegal wars to remember where he put the nuclear launch codes. Meanwhile, the UK’s GCHQ has reportedly upgraded its threat level from ‘mild bemusement’ to ‘raised eyebrow’.
The entire affair stinks of a system so riddled with bloat and cronyism that secrets leak like a sieve at a baptism. Still, one must credit Bolton’s consistency: he remains a walking, talking argument against unchecked power. Perhaps his next memoir, penned from a minimum-security prison, will include a chapter on how to lose state secrets in twenty easy steps.
As for the US security apparatus, one can only assume they’re currently updating their protocols to include a new rule: ‘Try not to hire people who think the Geneva Convention is a catering menu.’ The world watches, tuts, and orders another double.
