In a development that has sent ripples of schadenfreude through the chattering classes and cold shivers down the spines of Whitehall mandarins, John Bolton, the former National Security Advisor with a moustache that looks like a dead caterpillar, has pleaded guilty to charges related to the mishandling of classified documents. The man who once boasted of being 'the most dangerous man in the world' has apparently been bested by a filing cabinet and a lack of discretion.
According to UK intelligence experts, who have been consulted because apparently our own spooks can't resist a good American scandal, this plea is a 'stark warning' about the fragility of national security. One unnamed source, possibly nursing a gin and tonic in a darkened room, opined: 'If a man who has seen the inside of the White House can't be trusted with a secret, what hope is there for the rest of us?' Indeed, the revelation that Bolton, a man whose entire career has been built on the premise of being a hawkish hardliner, is now a convicted felon has caused no small amount of bewilderment.
Let us examine the facts. Bolton, who was fired by Trump via Twitter like a disgruntled chef sacking a sous-chef, is accused of retaining classified information after leaving office. This is the same man who wrote a tell-all memoir that had the Trump administration in fits, a book so explosive that it was initially blocked on grounds of national security. Irony, thy name is Bolton. The charges centre on his handling of documents related to North Korea, Iran, and other places where the West likes to stick its nose. It seems that even a man who advocated for bombing Iran couldn't resist keeping a few souvenirs from his time in power.
The guilty plea, delivered in a Washington D.C. courtroom, was as understated as a fart in a spacesuit. Bolton, wearing a suit that cost more than most people's monthly rent, admitted to 'willful retention of national defense information'. The judge, clearly unimpressed by the defendant's legendary ego, set sentencing for a later date. The maximum penalty? A decade in prison. But given Bolton's age and his penchant for making friends, he'll likely serve a fraction of that, perhaps in a minimum-security facility where he can write another book about how he was wronged.
UK intelligence experts, who have no doubt been following this case with the same glee as a cat watching a mouse, warn that this incident highlights the 'systemic failures' in the handling of classified material. 'It's not just about one man,' said a former MI5 officer. 'It's about a culture of carelessness that pervades the upper echelons of government.' Quite right. After all, if Bolton can't be trusted, how can we trust anyone? Perhaps we should chain all former officials to their filing cabinets.
In the end, this is a story about hubris, hypocrisy, and the absurdity of power. Bolton, who once said he would 'nuke a baby to save a tree', has been brought low by his own paper trail. The man who championed the Iraq War and called for regime change in Iran is now facing the regime change of a prison cell. It's a delicious piece of cosmic justice, served cold with a twist of lemon.
So raise a glass, dear readers. To John Bolton, the man who has finally been classified as a threat. And to the UK intelligence experts who, for once, have something useful to say.
