Listen, darlings, the news has waddled in reeking of hand sanitiser and institutional panic. Brazil, that samba-soaked wonderland of carnival and chaos, has apparently misplaced its Ebola containment protocols. Yes, Ebola.
The word that makes WHO officials reach for the nearest panic button and private jet. A handful of suspected cases in a remote Amazonian village have sent the global health apparatus into a frenzy, with UK scientists now cooling their heels in full hazmat regalia, ready to leap into the fray at a moment’s notice. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The man in the lab coat says it could be a false alarm. The man in the government briefing room says we must prepare for the worst. And I, Barnaby ‘Biff’ Thistlethwaite, say let’s have a gin and tonic and examine the entrails of this particular chicken.
Because the reality is this: every decade or so, a virus crawls out of the jungle, taps the global community on the shoulder, and demands attention. And we, the great civilised nations, respond with a mixture of genuine concern, bureaucratic bungling, and a dash of media hysteria. Already the headlines are dripping with apocalyptic lexicon.
‘Global Health Alert.’ ‘Scientists on Standby.’ It’s enough to make you think the Four Horsemen have booked their travel visas.
But let’s be honest. The chances of this becoming a full-blown pandemic are about as likely as me winning a sobriety award. Modern medicine has seen off worse.
The real story here isn’t the virus itself, but the theatre of fear that surrounds it. Watch the politicians. They will posture.
They will promise funds. They will stand next to each other in serious suits and perform concern. The UK scientists, fine souls that they are, will sit in a room in Porton Down drinking tea and refreshing their WhatsApp.
Meanwhile, the Brazilian authorities will reassure us that everything is under control, while quietly wondering if they shouldn’t have just called it a bad case of dengue and had done with it. But no, we must have our global health alert. We must have our 24-hour news cycle of dread.
It’s the new opium of the masses. So here’s my prescription: do not panic. Do not hoard tinned goods.
Do not buy a face mask from a man on the internet. Instead, raise a glass to the glorious absurdity of it all. Remember that Ebola is scary, but so is the news.
And one of them is far more likely to give you a headache.
