In a development that has sent shockwaves through the international plumbing community, the Republic of Zambabwe has sentenced local entrepreneur Cletus Mwamba to 14 years hard labour for hoarding 47 tonnes of human faeces in his back garden. The prosecution argued Mwamba’s unsanitary stockpile posed an existential threat to public health, describing his activities as a ‘deliberate affront to modern hygiene.’ The judge, in a remarkable display of judicial optimism, declared that Zambabwe would now look to the United Kingdom as the ‘gold standard for sanitation.
’ Cue hysterical laughter from anyone who has ever used a public toilet in London. One can only imagine the delegation of British officials arriving in Lusaka, lugging a scale model of the Thames Tideway Tunnel, only to be asked by locals: ‘Is this the thing that leaks poo into your river every time it rains?’ The irony is so thick you could spread it on a digestive biscuit.
Mwamba, a former teacher turned waste broker, apparently believed human effluent had fertiliser properties and conspired to corner the market. His garden blossomed with a crop of flies, cholera, and a stench that could strip paint from a battleship. The mayor of Lusaka, himself no stranger to questionable odours, described the scene as ‘unacceptable,’ before returning to his office to polish his Model UN award.
Meanwhile, the UK’s Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs released a statement expressing ‘delight’ that their sewage infrastructure is now the benchmark for a nation with fewer flush toilets than suits in the House of Lords. ‘We are proud that our Victorian sewer system, which collapses at the first sign of a daffodil, now serves as an inspiration to the developing world,’ read the press release. You couldn’t script this if you tried, unless you were a satirist with an overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude.
The real tragedy is that Mwamba’s 47 tonnes represent less than 0.0001% of the sewage that British water companies illegally dump into rivers each year. But no, let’s send a delegation to teach Africans about hygiene.
Perhaps the next export will be a telescreen with Boris Johnson reading a bedtime story about the Great Stink. One can only hope Mwamba’s prison cell comes with a plumbed toilet, though given Zambabwe’s new-found zeal for British standards, it will likely be a bucket with a union jack painted on it. The world has officially gone down the toilet.
