In a development that has sent tremors through the corridors of Whitehall and the digestive tracts of every sunbather from Torremolinos to Mykonos, MI6 has confirmed that a rogue great white shark, believed to be operating under the codename 'Jaws IV: The Reckoning,' has been detected lurking near the Strait of Gibraltar. Sources close to the Joint Intelligence Committee describe the shark as 'highly motivated, possibly with links to splinter cells of the so-called Pectoral Fin Jihad.' The creature, measuring a frankly offensive twenty feet from snout to tail, has been accused of 'disrupting the free flow of tankers and tourist ferries through the Mediterranean's vital artery.
' A spokesperson for the Foreign Office, speaking on condition of anonymity (and possibly from behind a reinforced glass partition), stated: 'We are monitoring the situation with extreme prejudice. The shark does not respect our maritime boundaries. It does not observe EU directives on fish trafficking.
This is a clear act of aquatic aggression.' Meanwhile, the Royal Navy has dispatched a single corvette equipped with a loudspeaker to 'ask the shark politely to desist,' but sources fear the beast may be 'heavily sedated on a diet of misgoogled facts and Brexit-induced despair.' The Prime Minister, cutting short a holiday in the Bahamas, declared that 'the shark will not be allowed to undermine our sovereignty' before adding, somewhat confusingly, 'we will not be dictated to by a creature with the intellectual capacity of a cucumber.
' In related news, Spain has closed its beaches, France has issued a ban on baguettes within fifty metres of the coast, and Italy is reportedly considering a decree to replace all seagulls with automated drones. The shark has yet to comment, but its fin has been seen doing a rather ominous victory lap around the Costa del Sol. Experts warn that the beast could be 'merely the tip of the iceberg' and that a 'pod of automated Russian submarines posing as orcas' may be lurking in the depths.
The situation remains fluid, though the shark appears to be slightly more coherent than the average Cabinet minister.
