In a development that has shaken the very foundations of our polite, queue-loving society, Japanese football fans have been instructed to tidy up their own stadiums after matches. Yes, you read that correctly. The nation that invented the art of post-match litter collection has been told, in essence, to stop being so bloody helpful.
This seismic shift in global etiquette was announced by a FIFA official whose name I cannot be bothered to remember, but who looked like he had swallowed a wasp and was trying to digest it politely. The official stated, with a straight face that must have been Botoxed into submission, that Japanese fans should ‘clean at home’ rather than engaging in their traditional stadium scrubbing.
Let us pause to consider the sheer absurdity of this. For years, we have marvelled at the Japanese supporters who, after every match, whip out their bin bags and transform a football stadium from a beer-soaked warzone into something resembling a Zen garden. It has become a global symbol of civility, a gentle rebuke to the rest of us who leave our crisp packets like breadcrumbs for the rats.
But now, the gatekeepers of football have decided that this simple act of decency is somehow ... problematic. Perhaps they fear that if the Japanese continue to clean, the rest of us might start feeling guilty. Or perhaps the official was simply having a bad day and decided to take it out on the world’s most conscientious fans.
I can picture the conversation in the FIFA boardroom. ‘Right, chaps, this Japanese cleaning business is making us look bad. We can’t have people thinking that tidiness is a thing. It might catch on. Next thing you know, they’ll be expecting us to pick up our own litter at Wembley. And where will we be then? Up a certain creek without a paddle.’
This is the thin end of the wedge, my friends. First, they tell the Japanese to stop cleaning. Then, they’ll tell the Swiss to stop being punctual. Then, they’ll outlaw British irony. Before you know it, we’ll all be living in a world where people don’t say sorry when they bump into you, and the Queen will have to queue for her own tea.
The madness must stop. I propose a counter-movement. Let us all adopt Japanese cleaning practices. Let us descend upon the next football match armed with dustpans and brushes. Let us make such a show of cleaning that FIFA is forced to recant its ludicrous edict. Or at least, let us revel in the irony of a world gone mad, where the only sensible response is to laugh and pour another gin.
But do not take my word for it. The official’s statement was, as far as I can tell, a masterpiece of bureaucratic nonsense. It contained phrases like ‘cultural sensitivity’ and ‘local context’, which are code for ‘we have no idea what we are doing’. I half-expected him to add, ‘And please don’t feed the pigeons.’
So, to the Japanese fans, I say this: keep your bin bags ready. Keep your gloves on. And if any FIFA official tells you to stop, tell them that Biff Thistlethwaite says you can clean wherever you bloody well like. The cleanliness of a stadium is a matter of principle, not geography. And if that principle offends the suits, then so be it. The world may be going to the dogs, but at least we can do it in a tidy manner.
