In a development that has stunned the global community and temporarily silenced the cynics, four more men have been plucked from the fetid bowels of a Laos cave after a ten-day ordeal that tested the limits of human endurance and the tensile strength of British pluck. The rescue teams, a motley crew of former SAS officers, cave-diving enthusiasts, and at least one man who claimed he was “just here for the sandwiches,” have been hailed as heroes. Which they are, let's be clear.
But let us also note the sheer absurdity of the situation: four men, presumably on a lads’ holiday gone wrong, found themselves trapped in a geological feature that has probably been there since before the invention of the wheel. And who comes to save them? The British, of course.
Because nothing says “colonial hangover” like a bunch of blokes in wetsuits flying halfway across the world to fish your hapless arse out of a hole in the ground. But this is not a cynical column. This is a toast.
Raise your glasses, if you will, to the indomitable spirit of the cave rescue industry, where the price of a life is measured in gaffer tape, oxygen tanks, and the sheer bloody-mindedness of people who think a wet, dark tunnel is an appropriate place to spend a Tuesday. The rescued men, whose names will surely be forgotten in a fortnight, were seen blinking at the sunlight like newborn moles, their eyes streaming, their lungs tasting fresh air for the first time in over a week. The rescuers, meanwhile, offered the kind of stiff-upper-lipped comments that make you want to either cheer or vomit.
“Just doing our job,” said one, possibly after being elbowed by a PR handler. But let's not ruin the moment with cynicism. This is a triumph.
A triumph of British ingenuity, courage, and the strange, unshakeable belief that no matter where in the world you are, if you're in a cave, a Brit will come and drag you out. It's like a universal law. So here's to the rescuers.
And here's to the rescued, who we hope will show their gratitude by never, ever going near a cave again. But they will. Because humans are idiots.
And that, dear reader, is the news.
