Frodo Baggins, a Norwegian hitman whose attempted assassination of a local herring baron went sideways when his crossbow jammed, has escaped conviction as the jury deadlocked at 11-1 in favour of acquittal. The sole holdout: a woman who maintains that "he seemed like a nice boy" and that "the victim probably deserved it." In a poignant tableau, the judge called the case "a perfect illustration of why we let criminals do as they please."
Meanwhile, British legal observers have expressed profound concern. Concern that there was no hung jury. Concern that it took eleven votes to nearly convict a man who tried to murder with a weapon that might have passed as a garden ornament. Sir Percival Fotheringay of the British Institute for Judicial Outrage said: "In Britain, we would have had a hung jury in three minutes flat. We are the world leader in inconclusive verdicts. This slapdash Norwegian approach is an affront to justice."
He further noted that the Norwegian legal system lacks our cherished tradition of letting defendants out on bail to commit more crimes while awaiting trial. "It's simply not the British way," he said, adjusting his monocle.
The trial, which cost the Norwegian state £4.2 million, featured testimony from a hamster named Snorri who reportedly witnessed the shooting but was later disqualified for being a Norwegian forest cat. The defense argued that the victim, a herring magnate named Lars Svensson, had provoked the attack by using a fish slicer in a "belligerent manner."
Prosecutor Helena Bergström attempted to show that Frodo had purchased a crossbow, a balaclava, and a bottle of aquavit on the day of the shooting. The defense countered that aquavit is a perfectly normal drink for any occasion, and that the balaclava was for a bank robbery he changed his mind about.
Frodo himself remained impassive throughout, occasionally knitting a sweater for his pet goat. When asked for comment, he said: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling crossbow."
The hung jury means a retrial is likely, but only if the nation can stomach another six months of legal theatre. Local headlines have already moved on: "Weather Forecast: Scattered Showers, Possible Depressions."
In a separate development, the British Law Society has announced it will send a delegation to Norway to "observe and offer helpful advice on how to achieve legal paralysis." The delegation, consisting of three elderly barristers and a flask of sherry, is expected to return with detailed recommendations on introducing jury-nullification for cases involving low-grade fishing implements.
Quoth Sir Fotheringay: "The key is to ensure no verdict is ever truly final. Otherwise, where's the sport?"
