In a move that would make even the most hardened eugenicist blush, the government of Hungary has unveiled a new 'baby-making bonus' scheme so audacious it sounds like the plot of a dystopian Netflix series. Under the latest decree, Hungarian couples who conceive three children will receive a lifetime exemption from income tax. Yes, you read that correctly.
Tax-free living for the rest of your natural born days, provided you can successfully replicate the nation's genetic material with the enthusiasm of a pair of rabbits on Viagra. The policy, dubbed 'Operation Stork', is part of a desperate bid to reverse the country's plunging birth rate, currently hovering just above the level of a defunct petri dish. Meanwhile, in Britain, our demographic crisis continues to fester like a mouldy sandwich left in the House of Commons canteen.
Our own birth rate has cratered to levels that would make a panda blush, and what is our government's response? A few paltry free childcare hours and a vague promise to 'look into it' over a cup of tepid tea. The Hungarian solution is, of course, absurd.
It is a bribe, a blatant incitement to breed, and a slap in the face to every childless couple (or single) who simply cannot afford the privilege of procreation. But let us be honest: at least they are trying. Britain's approach to the birth deficit is like watching a man drowning in a puddle while his rescuers argue over the best brand of umbrella.
The real lesson here is not the specifics of the tax break but the sheer, unadulterated creativity of the Hungarian experiment. In a saner world, our own leaders might consider a carrot that does not involve a surfeit of sticks. A universal basic income for new parents?
State-funded fertility treatment for all? Or perhaps, heaven forfend, affordable housing and a living wage that does not force couples to choose between a child and a roof. But no, we will instead tut-tut at the Hungarians and proceed to do absolutely nothing, because that is the British way.
We are a nation that invented the industrial revolution and the Spinning Jenny, but cannot seem to spin a decent policy on family formation. So here's to Hungary: mad, bad, and dangerously fecund. May your tax-free babies grow strong and numerous.
And may Britain one day recall that a society that does not invest in its own future is a society that deserves to go extinct. Now, if you will excuse me, I need a gin. A strong one, preferably with a 'baby' onion.
