The British economy has officially nose-dived into what ministers are euphemistically calling a ‘defence-driven recalibration’ but which the rest of us, with our pesky grasp of reality, are dubbing a war recession. GDP shrank by 0.3% last quarter, and the Treasury’s response was to cheerily announce a £5 billion boost to defence spending, because nothing says ‘economic recovery’ like buying more tanks while the populace queues at food banks.
This is the kind of logic that would make a subtraction sign weep. The government is taking money from schools, hospitals, and pothole repairs to fund missiles that may or may not deter Vladimir Putin, who is probably chortling into his vodka from the Kremlin as we speak. The Chancellor, a man who looks as though he smells of boiled cabbage and regret, stood at the despatch box and declared that ‘peace is built on strength.’ Yes, just like the peace in Ukraine, where strength has resulted in a delightful new tourist attraction: craters.
The Bank of England, that august institution which has the predictive power of a weathervane in a hurricane, now says recession is ‘likely.’ But fear not, for the government has a plan: more austerity. Because the last decade of it worked so brilliantly that we now have a cost-of-living crisis, a housing crisis, and a crisis of people wondering why they bothered voting.
Meanwhile, in the real world, the National Institute of Economic and Social Research has called this the ‘worst growth outlook of any G7 country.’ We are outperforming only ourselves in the art of self-immolation. The defence industry, of course, is thrilled. Share prices of BAE Systems are soaring like a seagull that has just spotted a chip shop. But for the rest of us, it means higher taxes, fewer services, and a warm glow of patriotism as we freeze to death in our unheated homes.
The true absurdity is that this ‘war recession’ is entirely self-inflicted. We could have invested in renewable energy, social care, and broadband. Instead, we chose bombs. Because nothing says ‘global Britain’ like a bankrupt island with a very expensive army.
So raise a glass of lukewarm tap water to the economic geniuses running the country. They have somehow managed to make a recession sound heroic. But let us not be fooled: this is not valour, it is stupidity with a stiff upper lip.
