In a stunning display of diplomatic theatre that could only be scripted by a committee of sleep-deprived chimps, the United States and Iran have signed a deal that leaves the central nuclear question as unanswered as a drunk man's riddle. The agreement, hailed as 'historic' by those who apparently have never read a history book, notably fails to address the $300 billion question: who gets to pocket the cash once sanctions are lifted?
According to leaks from the State Department's basement bar, the deal effectively greenlights Iran's continued enrichment of uranium to 'study its properties' or some such hogwash. The negotiators, a collection of career diplomats who look like they've been preserved in formalin since the 1970s, managed to kick every single can down a road so long it might as well be a Mobius strip.
Prime Minister Netanyahu, in a press conference that involved more spittle than a spitting contest, declared the deal 'a catastrophic surrender to the forces of darkness'. Meanwhile, President Rouhani of Iran claimed it as 'a victory for the Iranian people's right to make glowing green goo'. Both are probably correct, which is precisely the problem.
I telephoned a senior White House aide, who shall remain nameless to protect their dignity. 'Look,' they slurred over what I suspect was a fifth of bourbon, 'we just wanted to stop them from getting enough material for a bomb before the next election. After that, it's someone else's problem.' And there you have it, folks. The entire Middle East peace process, reduced to the political equivalent of 'not my job, mate'.
Let us not ignore the cast of characters. On the American side, we have a Secretary of State whose face seems permanently stuck between a smile and a grimace, like a man who's just realised he's sat on a whoopee cushion at a funeral. And from Iran, Foreign Minister Zarif, a man whose charm could sell ice to an Eskimo but who speaks in such convoluted sentences that even his translator looks confused.
The $300 billion question: that's the amount of frozen assets Iran is expected to access once sanctions are eased. What will they do with it? Buy more centrifuges, of course. But also, perhaps, some better missiles. Maybe a few new mosques. The possibilities are endless, as endless as the number of times this game will be played again and again until we all eventually glow in the dark.
Meanwhile, the stock market yawned, oil prices hiccupped, and the world moved on to the next crisis. Because that's the beautiful, tragic, farcical truth: nobody really gives a damn about nuclear non-proliferation until the mushroom cloud appears on their horizon. And by then, well, it's a bit too late for diplomatic cables.
So raise a glass, dear reader, to yet another triumph of diplomacy that achieves nothing and commits us all to another decade of tense negotiations, backroom deals, and the occasional drone strike. Cheers!
