In a move that has left the nation's collective eyebrow raised to an altitude usually reserved for spotting a double-decker bus on fire, the Ministry of Defence has announced a full review of video game licensing procedures. This follows the shocking revelation that a recent Call of Duty installment features North Korea in a less than villainous light. Yes, you read that correctly. The same North Korea that reportedly possesses a nuclear arsenal large enough to make a badger blink has been given a digital makeover, and Britain is not having it.
The Ministry of Defence, in a statement that could only have been drafted by a committee with a collective sense of humour bypass, declared that 'the glorification of hostile regimes in interactive entertainment poses a potential risk to national security.' One can only assume they're worried that impressionable young soldiers might suddenly develop a fondness for Kim Jong-un's haircut and decide to defect, armed with nothing but a copy of the game and a vague sense of betrayal.
This is, of course, the same Ministry that once spent £3 billion on a set of helicopters that couldn't fly in the desert. But by all means, let's focus on the pixelated threat. The review will supposedly examine how video games portray real-world nations, with an eye to ensuring that No. 10 doesn't get a digital spanking from a game that takes creative liberties with geopolitical accuracy.
Meanwhile, the game's developer, Activision, has responded with the diplomatic equivalent of a shrug, claiming that the game is a work of fiction and that players are 'sophisticated enough' to distinguish between entertainment and reality. This is the same company that once released a game where you can play as a dolphin that solves nuclear war by dancing. Sophistication, indeed.
The real concern here is not about North Korea's image in a video game. The real concern is that our government has so little to do that they're now regulating the moral compass of pixels. Next, they'll be banning the use of red barrels because they might teach terrorists how to blow things up. Oh wait, they already tried that.
In the pubs of Westminster, over glasses of gin that taste faintly of despair, backbench MPs are reportedly sharpening their claws. 'This is an outrage,' slurred one MP who shall remain nameless because he was technically off-duty. 'We should be focusing on the real issues: the cost of living, the NHS, the fact that my local Pret has stopped doing the crayfish and rocket sandwich. But no, let's go after a game that features a country most people can't find on a map.'
The review is expected to take six months, cost £2 million, and conclude with a recommendation that all future Call of Duty games include a pop-up that says 'Warning: This portrayal of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea is for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect the views of Her Majesty's Government, who remain committed to a policy of benign neglect.'
And so, as the Ministry of Defence dives headfirst into the world of video game licensing, one can only wonder: what's next? A ban on Monopoly because it glorifies capitalism? A warning label on Scrabble because it might teach people to spell? Only in Britain, folks. Only in Britain.
Biff Thistlethwaite, signing off. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of Gordon's and a copy of Papers, Please.
