In a move that has sent shockwaves through the annals of understatement, His Majesty's Government has officially 'backed reconciliation' with African and Caribbean nations demanding a formal apology for the transatlantic slave trade. The response, delivered via a hastily convened Zoom call from a department of fogeyish gentlemen who still refer to their lunch as 'tiffin', was described by insiders as 'a masterclass in apologising without actually saying sorry'. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, looking like a man who has just been told his his favourite gin will be rationed, announced a new 'Commission for Historical Dialogue' – a bureaucratic lovechild designed to talk about the problem until everyone forgets what the problem was.
The Caribbean delegation, led by a woman whose ancestors were literally sold for sugar, was offered 'a path towards mutual understanding' and a complementary plate of digestives. Meanwhile, the reparations committee, a body so well funded it meets in a converted Wetherspoons, has produced a 1,200 page report concluding that 'slavery was quite bad, all things considered'. The UK's official position now stands as follows: we are not sorry, but we are sorry that you are still upset.
The Queen's portrait in the Foreign Office has been observed winking. As the gin in my glass trembles with barely contained rage, I can only marvel at the sheer poetry of it all: an empire built on the backs of the enslaved now offers a cup of tea and a chat. The African Union, for its part, has demanded a full apology by teatime or they'll write a strongly worded letter.
Stay tuned for the next episode of 'Apologising Without Consequences', coming soon to a diplomatic receiving line near you.