In a thrilling episode of 'Who Can Out-Spaff Whom in the Sovereignty Olympics,' His Majesty's Government has today urged restraint after China banned a pack of New Zealand MPs for daring to visit the island of Taiwan. The Kiwi legislators were reportedly just popping over for a spot of teat and a gander at the local democracy, but Beijing took it as a personal slight, a breach of the One-China Policy, and possibly a plot to nick their lunch. The Foreign Office, in a statement so bland it could have been milled from cardboard, advised all parties to 'exercise calm and avoid escalation.
' This is the diplomatic equivalent of telling two bulldogs to 'play nice' before they've even locked jaws. The real question is why anyone is surprised. Taiwan is the world's most sensitive geopolitical papercut, and every time a foreign dignitary so much as sneezes in Taipei's direction, Beijing reaches for the antiseptic and a sternly worded note.
New Zealand's sovereignty is now being 'tested,' which presumably means they'll have to decide whether they value trade with China more than the right to send their MPs on parliamentary jolly-ups. Meanwhile, the UK stands by, wringing its hands and tutting, because that's what we do best when we're not selling arms to Saudi Arabia. The absurdity is breathtaking.
We live in an age where a photo op with a Taiwanese lawmaker can trigger a diplomatic row, while actual invasions of sovereign states prompt a collective shrug. But never mind that. Let us all cluck our tongues and urge restraint, because nothing says 'solution' like a strongly worded press release from a nation whose own influence is waning faster than a gin levels at a journalists' convention.
