In a development that has sent ripples through the global gin market, US Iran talks have reportedly made 'encouraging progress' with Britain, ever the meddling maiden aunt of international relations, urging all parties to don their sensible shoes and pursue stable Gulf diplomacy. One can only imagine the scene: a cramped room in Geneva, the air thick with the scent of stale coffee and desperation, where American and Iranian negotiators nod politely at each other while a British diplomat sips tea and mutters about the 'special relationship' being more of a distant cousin twice removed.
Let us cut through the diplomatic fluff with the rusty scalpel of truth. 'Encouraging progress' is diplomatic code for 'we haven't stormed out yet,' a bar so low that a limbo dancer would require a shovel. Britain urging stable diplomacy is like a hangover urging hydration: technically correct but painfully obvious. Meanwhile, the real question hangs in the air like a bad smell: who will profit from this peace? Not the people, certainly. The people are too busy waiting for the next drone strike or oil price hike.
But let us examine the absurdity as a whole. The United States, a nation that has not known true diplomacy since the days of the Founding Fathers swapping wigs and land deeds, pretends to negotiate with Iran, a theocracy that believes the end of the world is a Tuesday afternoon appointment. And Britain? Poor, deluded Britain, still clinging to the illusion of relevance, offers to mediate like a man in a lifeboat offering steering advice to the Titanic.
I propose a new approach: replace these talks with a televised drinking competition between a Texan oil baron and a Persian rug salesman. The loser has to actually solve the Middle East. It could not be less effective than the current charade. But no, we must endure the solemn faces, the carefully crafted statements, the analysts telling us this is 'historic' because they have no imagination left.
In the end, the only progress that matters is the price of a pint of gin at the airport. And let me tell you, it has not budged. Which tells you all you need to know about the 'success' of these talks. The world is still off its trolley, and the diplomats are just the ones steering it toward the cliff, all the while smiling for the cameras.