In a development that has gin-soaked hacks spitting out their G&Ts, Caribbean and African nations have formally demanded a ‘sorry’ for the whole enslavement shindig. And here comes the punchline: Britain is backing talks. Yes, talks. About reparations. For slavery. The thing we did for centuries. Then stopped. Then kind of forgot to say sorry for. Until now.
The Prime Minister, looking as though he’s been caught nicking biscuits from the royal pantry, has announced that Britain will ‘engage constructively’ with demands for reparatory justice. Which is diplomatic speak for: ‘We’ll form a committee, maybe appoint a tsar, hold a few Zoom calls, and absolutely do nothing for another decade.’
Let’s be clear. This isn’t some fringe student union motion. This is the Caribbean Community (CARICOM) and the African Union, backed by a 2023 UN report that politely noted Western nations owe trillions. Trillions. With a T. That’s more than the GDP of several small planets or the entire bonus pool of every FTSE 100 CEO multiplied by the number of lies told by Boris Johnson.
But Britain is now ‘open to dialogue’. Oh, magnanimous Albion! You’ll talk. You’ll stroke your chin and say ‘hmm, fascinating proposal’ over a glass of port in a room that smells of old books and colonial guilt. Meanwhile, the descendants of those who were chained, whipped, and commodified are still waiting for something more substantial than a ministerial soundbite.
The reparations debate is a minefield wrapped in a legal document dipped in historical amnesia. Critics screech that ‘no one alive today is responsible’ which is like saying we shouldn’t fix a leaking pipe because the plumber who installed it died in 1870. The wealth generated by slavery built this nation’s banks, its ports, its sweet-toothed aristocracy. The streets of Bristol and Liverpool are paved with sugar money and blood. But sure. Let’s just have a chat.
What will these talks achieve? Probably a new museum. A plaque. Maybe a public holiday called ‘Slightly Awkward Remembering Day’. But actual cash? Ha! The Treasury has already started preparing a response that involves the words ‘fiscal responsibility’, ‘modern taxpayers’, and ‘we already gave you aid’.
The Caribbean nations are not asking for a handwritten check. They want investment in education, healthcare, infrastructure. Debt cancellation. A seat at the table where global finance is decided. They want Britain to admit that the slave trade wasn’t a regrettable oopsie but a systematic atrocity that still shapes global inequality today.
So here we are. Britain, the nation that once ruled the waves, is now ruling on whether to say sorry for the waves of misery. The PM’s backing of talks is either a historic breakthrough or the fanciest way of kicking the can down the road ever devised. My money is on the latter. But I’ll keep my gin glass half full, waiting for the report that never comes, the cheque that bounces, the apology that feels like a tax return.
This is Barnaby ‘Biff’ Thistlethwaite, reporting from the edge of sanity, where the gin is cold and the empire is warm but the justice is lukewarm at best.
