JOHANNESBURG — In a stunning display of bureaucratic survival, a senior South African Police Service officer has emerged from a hail of bullets with nothing more than a singed sense of duty and a newfound appreciation for Her Majesty’s funding. The assassination attempt, which police are calling a ‘professional job’ (code for ‘they missed’), occurred yesterday outside a shopping centre in Pretoria. The officer, a man whose career has more near-death experiences than a James Bond stunt double, was reportedly saved by a reinforced umbrella funded through British security assistance.
Yes, you read that correctly: a brolly. Not a tactical vest, not an armoured window, but an umbrella. The British High Commission has since issued a statement praising the ‘innovative use of defence resources’, while a source close to the officer admitted, ‘He was actually just trying to find the boot of his car when he dropped it and it popped open.
They shot at it three times and missed his head.’ The irony is so thick you could butter a scone with it. Meanwhile, the South African government has announced a review of life assurance policies for all senior officers, because apparently surviving a bullet is a mere technicality when your pension is on the line.
The British taxpayer, as ever, can rest easy knowing their contributions have been deployed to keep a colonial-style stiff upper lip firmly in place. The gunmen, described as ‘professional but illiterate in the art of umbrella deflection’, have not been apprehended. Perhaps they should apply for British aid themselves.
