In a move that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of diplomatic absurdity, Australia has finally charged one of its erstwhile citizens for the temerity of joining the Islamic State in Syria. Yes, after years of soul-searching, hand-wringing, and presumably several committee meetings that ran perilously close to tea time, the Land Down Under has decided that joining a death cult is, in fact, slightly frowned upon. Meanwhile, British border security has been praised as the toughest thing since a stale pork pie at a motorway service station. But let’s unpack this, shall we?
The woman in question, a certain Zehra Duman, is alleged to have travelled to Syria in 2014 to pledge allegiance to the caliphate, which is a bit like moving to a new town because you really like the local beheading policy. Canberra, in a fit of legal vigour, has charged her with entering a declared area, which is the bureaucratic equivalent of saying, ‘Sorry, love, you can’t just pop off to a warzone for a holiday. It’s against the rules.’ The charge carries a maximum penalty of ten years in prison, because nothing says ‘we take terrorism seriously’ like a sentence that could be shorter than a tax fraud case.
But wait, there’s more. In a stunning display of how to pat yourself on the back while simultaneously ignoring the elephant in the room, UK border security has been lauded as the ‘toughest in the world’ by a government source who clearly has never tried to bring a banana through customs. The source, speaking on condition of anonymity (probably because they’d be laughed out of Whitehall), said, ‘Our border security is second to none. We have processes in place that would make a snowflake weep.’ These processes, I assume, include a stern look from a passport officer and a mandatory cup of lukewarm tea.
The irony is thick enough to spread on toast. While Australia dithers and charges one woman for a crime that has festered for nearly a decade, the UK is busy congratulating itself on a system that let numerous ISIS returnees slip through like a wet fish in a net. But hey, we have the toughest border, apparently. It’s a bit like saying you have the toughest lock on your door after someone has already nicked your telly.
Let’s not forget the broader farce. The Australian government has spent years stripping citizenship from dual nationals who joined ISIS, effectively saying, ‘You’re not our problem anymore.’ But now, for those who still hold sole Australian citizenship, they suddenly remember they have a legal system. It’s a bit like inviting someone to a party, changing the locks while they’re in the loo, and then calling the police when they try to get back in.
Meanwhile, back in Blighty, the border security that has been praised as ‘toughest’ is the same one that allowed the Manchester Arena bomber to return from Libya without a care in the world. But let’s not let facts get in the way of a good press release. After all, the government has a narrative to maintain, and nothing says ‘we’re in control’ like a vague statement about processes.
So, what have we learned? That Australia is playing catch-up, that UK border security is a masterclass in political spin, and that joining a terrorist group will get you a stern letter from the Home Office, possibly a survey about your experience. The world is a madhouse, and we’re all just inmates arguing about who has the nicest padded cell.
As I drain the last of my gin, I raise a glass to the sheer, unadulterated absurdity of it all. Here’s to Zehra Duman, the ISIS bride who has finally been charged. Here’s to UK border security, the toughest in the world (until next week). And here’s to the journalists who have to report this drivel with a straight face. Cheers.
