In a move so monumentally bland it has been mistaken for a new flavour of oat milk, a gaggle of Australian MPs has launched a so-called 'centrist party.' The 'Australian Values Party,' or as I call it, 'The Beige Blazer Brigade,' promises to be so middle-of-the-road it has already apologised to both lanes of traffic. The British High Commission, sensing a disturbance in the Force of Blandness, has issued a statement: 'We note this development with keen interest and a faintly raised eyebrow.
' This is equivalent to a teenager saying 'cool' while scrolling their phone. The High Commission then allegedly convened an emergency meeting regarding the correct way to dunk a biscuit. Witnesses report a furious argument over whether the 'dunk' should be a single, decisive plunge or a series of tentative dips.
One diplomat was overheard muttering, 'This is all terribly exciting. I think I need a lie down.' Meanwhile, the Australian electorate yawned so loudly it caused a minor seismic event in Canberra.
The party's first policy proposal is rumoured to be a new national anthem set to the tune of a dial-up modem. Truly, the revolution will be televised, but only on BBC Four at 3 AM.
