In a move that has sent shivers of sheer, unadulterated boredom through the political landscape, a gaggle of self-styled pragmatists has launched the Australian Centrist Party. Inspired, they claim, by the UK-EU alliance model. Yes, that paragon of stability. The model that gave us Brexit, endless negotiations, and a trade deal that was joyfully described as 'thin' by those who penned it. But no matter. The Australian Centrist Party is here to save us from the tyranny of conviction.
Their manifesto, I am told, is a masterpiece of gentle ambiguity. They stand for 'sensible solutions' and 'evidence-based policy'. In other words, they will decide what to think after reading the morning papers. They are for the sensible middle, the great Australian silent majority who just want the government to make the trains run on time and maybe throw a sausage on the barbie for everyone. Never mind that the trains are run by private companies who consider timeliness a quaint optional extra.
And what of the UK-EU model, you ask? Perhaps they refer to the endless trade deals that have left British fishermen weeping into their nets, or the Northern Ireland protocol that has become a running joke in Brussels. Or perhaps they mean the glorious era of cooperation that saw the UK and EU squabble over vaccine supplies like toddlers over a toy. Yes, that is the model for political stability. Let us all aspire to be as stable as a Brexit negotiation.
Frankly, the whole affair smells of gin and desperation. Another party, another promise to be all things to all people, which means nothing to anyone. They will likely poll at 3%, then spend the next five years complaining about the two-party system that they claim to challenge. But we must not be cynical. Perhaps they will succeed. Perhaps they will bring a new era of Australian politics where every policy is a lukewarm bath of compromise. Where courage is replaced by focus groups. Where leadership is a spreadsheet.
In the meantime, I shall raise a glass of gin, probably not Australian, to this new venture. May they bring us the dull stability of a Swiss train timetable, and may their first act be to abolish the absurdity that is the current political circus. But I won't hold my breath. The circus always comes back to town, and the clowns never retire.
