The People's Republic has drawn a line in the sand. No, not on TikTok's algorithm or the next Huawei handset. They have finally turned their righteous gaze to the cesspool of 'viral Chinese dramas' which, according to the cultural commissars, drip with 'soft porn and materialism.
' A bit rich, that, from a nation that gave us the gold-plated sex dungeon that is the Forbidden City. But aha! While Beijing tightens its belt, London loosens its collar.
The UK creative industry, ever the vulture on the corpse of global morality, sees not a crackdown but a cash-in. 'We can do Chinese dramas, but with more rain and less eunuchs,' chortled a BBC exec who still smokes in the office and calls it 'character.' The chaps at Pinewood are already pencilling in 'Xi, the Slightly Blasphemous Musical.
' Let's face it: we British were born with a silver spoon in one hand and a sneer for the other. Censorship is just a market opportunity with a nicer tie. These dramas, apparently, feature young women in lingerie discussing handbags.
A shock to the Chinese system. A Tuesday in Shoreditch. But now, with China's moral panic...
our chance to export dreary British gentility back to the East. Imagine: period dramas where everyone is damp and repressed. Actually, that's just 'Downton Abbey.
' But wait, they want less 'soft porn' so we'll give them the hard stuff. James Bond bedding only one woman per film. A radical restraint.
The real opportunity, however, is in the 'materialism' slot. We can flog them a drama about a man who really loves his allotment. It's filth, but proper.
So raise a glass of warm ale to the Chinese guardians of virtue. They've saved us from ourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pitch 'The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Lottery Winner' to Netflix.
Censorship is just a synonym for 'new demographic.
