In a move that has sent shockwaves through the diplomatic teacup, China has banned four New Zealand MPs for the audacity of visiting Taiwan. The UK, ever the stalwart ally, has responded with a collective tutting so vigorous it could power a small village. Foreign Secretary James Cleverly, a man whose face resembles a startled otter, issued a statement declaring 'full solidarity' with New Zealand, which is diplomatic code for 'we would also like to visit Taiwan but please don't tell the Chinese.'
The banned quartet, who presumably packed their bags full of democratic ideals and perhaps some woolly socks, were slapped with an entry ban to China and Hong Kong. Beijing, in its infinite wisdom, described the visit as a 'serious violation of the One-China principle.' One can almost hear the stern tsk-tsking from Xi Jinping's breakfast table.
Meanwhile, the UK finds itself in a pickle of its own making. Having recently cosied up to China for trade deals, it now must perform a delicate balancing act: supporting its antipodean cousins while not upsetting the Chinese applecart. It is like watching a man try to apologise to his wife while simultaneously flirting with the barmaid.
The New Zealand MPs, for their part, seemed unfazed. One was quoted as saying they were 'proud to stand up for democratic values,' a phrase that no doubt sent shivers down the spines of Foreign Office mandarins who had to formulate a response that said 'we agree' but sounded like 'we're very busy that day.'
This incident highlights the increasingly fraught relationship between the West and China over Taiwan. It is a game of diplomatic chess where every piece is made of porcelain and everyone is terrified of breaking something. The UK, ever the pragmatist, will likely settle for a strongly worded letter and perhaps a stiff gin.
In conclusion, the UK stands with New Zealand in this farcical theatre of international relations. We deplore the ban, we support democracy, and we absolutely refuse to give up our Taiwan-made microchips. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a G&T calling my name.
