In a seismic twist that would make even the most stoic geologist spill his Earl Grey, a magnitude 6.7 earthquake has rudely interrupted lessons at a Philippine primary school. The roof, in a moment of architectural cowardice, decided to collapse.
Cue pandemonium: children fled, teachers screamed, and the national curriculum was temporarily replaced with 'Run for Your Lives 101'. Fortunately, the only casualties were a few dozen exercise books and the school's reputation for structural integrity. But wait, what's this?
A glint of hope on the horizon. No, it's not a rescue helicopter. It's the British Government, riding in on a white horse made of red tape and emergency shelter leaflets.
Yes, the UK has gallantly pledged to donate a number of 'temporary accommodation units', presumably assembled from surplus Brexit brochures and stiff upper lips. One can only imagine the scene: a fleet of Land Rovers, driven by chaps in tweed, delivering flat-packed shelters with instructions written in the Queen's English. 'Insert tab A into slot B, old chap, and mind the aftershocks.
' The generosity is staggering, considering Britain can't even keep its own trains running on time. But credit where it's due: when the world shakes, Britain unfolds a deckchair. The locals, however, might find these gifts slightly perplexing.
'Why are they giving us tents with Union Jacks? Can we eat them?' Meanwhile, the inevitable government press release, penned by a civil servant with a thesaurus, described the aid as 'a gesture of profound solidarity in this hour of tremulous adversity.
' Translation: 'We've sent some canvas and a packet of digestive biscuits.' The children, now camped in a field, are making the best of it. Some have started a game of 'Predict the Aftershock'.
Others are trying to build a more stable shelter from the rubble. But the real lesson here is that when the earth moves, it's not always romance. Sometimes it's just another reminder that the planet has a dark sense of humour.
And the UK, bless its bureaucratic heart, is always ready to send a strongly worded letter of support, packaged in a waterproof bag.
