In a stunning upset that has left the chattering classes choking on their overpriced avocado toast, Colombia has elected a Trump-backed insurgent as its new head of state. The candidate, a man whose manifesto appears to have been scribbled on a napkin in a Bogotá dive bar, swept to power on a tide of populist fury and questionable moustache wax. Western allies, those perennial guardians of global decorum, are now wringing their hands with the vigour of a Victorian laundress.
But let us be honest: this was always the logical endpoint of a political landscape where reality TV stars are treated as sages and policy debates devolve into Twitter slap fights. The new president, whose name I shall not dignify with repetition, campaigned on a platform of “draining the swamp” which in Colombia apparently means importing the swamp. His victory speech, delivered from a balcony festooned with enough bunting to trigger a textile crisis, promised to “make Colombia great again” in a tone that suggested he had never actually visited the country.
Indeed, his knowledge of Colombian geography appears to be limited to the location of the nearest golf course. The reaction from Washington has been predictably schizophrenic: a mixture of forced smiles and frantic phone calls to the CIA’s Latin America desk. The State Department, in a masterclass of diplomatic doublespeak, expressed “cautious optimism” while simultaneously updating its evacuation protocols for embassy staff.
Meanwhile, London’s Foreign Office has issued a travel advisory warning Britons to avoid all but essential travel to Colombia, unless they wish to experience the unique thrill of a coup d’état with complimentary cocktails. But perhaps we should not be surprised. In an era where political theatre has replaced governance, Colombia has simply opted for a more dramatic production.
The incoming administration’s first act was to announce the dissolution of the environmental agency, citing “aesthetic concerns” about its building. Next on the agenda: replacing the national anthem with an EDM remix and renaming the Amazon rainforest to “Jeff Bezos Memorial Reserve.” Western allies are right to be wary.
Not because this new leader represents a genuine threat to democracy, but because he will inevitably embarrass us all at the next G7 summit by mistaking the peace sign for a gang salute. The real tragedy is not that Colombia has elected a Trump proxy. The tragedy is that we have reached a point where this seems like the most predictable outcome.
The world has become a bizarre carnival where every country gets the leader it deserves, and Colombia has just bought a ticket for the most terrifying ride. As for me, I shall be stockpiling gin and revising my Spanish phrasebook. One can never be too prepared for the apocalypse, especially when it comes with a questionable moustache.
