In a development that has sent tremors through the chattering classes of Bogotá and beyond, Colombia’s leftist presidential candidate, the tragically named Gustavo Petro (a moniker that sounds like a malfunctioning espresso machine), has finally choked on his own rhetoric and conceded defeat. The man, who bears an eerie resemblance to a disillusioned llama that has just been told the grass is all gone, has thrown in the towel after a gruelling campaign that promised to redistribute wealth, nationalise everything that wasn’t nailed down, and probably replace the national anthem with a whale song remix.
But fear not, gentle reader. The democratic institutions, propped up by the trembling hands of Her Majesty's Government and a frankly alarming amount of international aid, have held firm. They have stood like a particularly stubborn bouncer outside a nightclub, refusing entry to any disruptive elements. The fact that the election was a squeaker, with Petro only losing by a margin smaller than my trust in the average politician, is a testament to the resilience of a system that has been polished to a blinding shine by years of British tutelage.
Let us examine the absurdity. The UK, a country that can’t decide whether it wants to be in Europe or not and whose government resembles a particularly fractious knitting circle, has been lecturing Colombia on the virtues of stable democracy. It is a bit like an arsonist handing out fire extinguishers at a barbecue. But never mind. The result is in. The establishment candidate, Iván Duque, a man so bland he makes plain yoghurt look exciting, has won. And the forces of chaos, led by a chap who once said he’d take advice from Hugo Chávez (which is like taking dietary advice from a Twinkie), have been seen off.
Now, the real work begins. The new government will have to grapple with a country that has more factions than a Monty Python sketch. There are paramilitaries, drug cartels, leftist guerrillas, and an environmental movement that has decided the best way to protect the rainforest is to chain themselves to anything that isn't fossilised. Good luck, Iván. You’ll need it. But at least the UK-backed democratic institutions are there to hold your hand, like a doting but slightly clueless parent at a school play.
And what of the defeated Petro? He will slink back to the Senate, where he will no doubt continue to rail against the evils of capitalism while ordering his staff to fetch him a cappuccino and a gluten-free biscuit. The man has conceded gracefully, if one can describe a press conference that contained more passive-aggression than a Christmas dinner with the in-laws as graceful. He said he would continue to fight for the poor. How noble. How predictable. How utterly bereft of any actual plan beyond vague hand-waving.
The real story here is not the result itself, which was as predictable as a hangover after a pub crawl. It is the sheer theatre of it all. The Colombian people, like the British, have been sold a shiny new democracy with all the trimmings. They get to vote, they get to complain, and they get to watch the same old faces shuffle in and out of power. It is a beautiful system, as long as you don’t look too closely at the holes. And we never do. That would be bad for business.
So raise a glass of overpriced gin to the UK-backed democratic institutions. They have held firm. For now. Until the next crisis. Until the next election. Until the next leftist uprising. They will be there, like a stubborn stain on a shirt, reminding us that nothing ever really changes.
