In a move that has left the world of international football more confused than a pigeon at a chess tournament, the much-anticipated friendly between the Democratic Republic of Congo and Chile has been abruptly cancelled. British health authorities, in a rare display of caution that didn't involve umbrellas or queue-jumping, have backed the decision, citing Ebola concerns. Yes, Ebola. Because apparently, the beautiful game isn't beautiful enough to withstand the threat of a haemorrhagic fever.
Let's get one thing straight. Ebola is no laughing matter. It's a nasty, brutish, and short-lived affair, much like my tenure at The Guardian. But the cancellation of a football match? A friendly? In a world where we've seen superhero movies released during a pandemic, this feels like a touch of the vapours. One can't help but wonder if this is a case of overzealous health officials trying to justify their salaries. After all, what better way to show you're doing your job than cancelling a football match in another continent?
The DRC, a country more accustomed to conflict than football friendlies, must be wondering what they've done to upset the footballing gods. Or perhaps it's just Chile's notoriously flaky temperament. I can see it now: the Chilean FA, huddled in a sweaty boardroom, deciding that they'd rather face a penalty shootout against Lionel Messi than risk a dubious prawn sandwich in Kinshasa. "The tapas just aren't worth it, lads," they said, packing their bags.
But let's not forget the real heroes here: the British health authorities. These are the same people who brought us the advice to "wash your hands" during a viral outbreak, as if we'd been licking door handles for sport. Their backup of the Ebola caution is as predictable as a Tory MP with his hand in the till. Naturally, they'd be cautious. They're British. Caution is our national sport, second only to queueing and complaining about the weather.
Meanwhile, the players, who were likely looking forward to a jolly jaunt to South America or Africa, are left twiddling their thumbs. Perhaps they'll play a charity match against the Spanish Flu or a test series against the Black Death. The possibilities are endless when you've got a medical dictionary to hand.
In all seriousness, the threat of Ebola is real, and the DRC has been battling an outbreak. But cancelling a football match feels like a symptom of a larger malaise: our collective inability to distinguish between genuine risk and media-generated hysteria. Next, they'll cancel the World Cup because someone sneezed in the stands.
So, let us raise a glass of gin (preferably a London dry, not a Chilean pisco) to the death of common sense. The friendly may be cancelled, but the absurdity of modern life marches on. And if you feel a chill, don't worry. It's probably just the Ebola of hype.
