In a move that has sent shivers down the spine of every gin-soaked colonial relic in Whitehall, the United States has finally slapped sanctions on a Rwandan gold refinery. Yes, the very same Rwanda that has been laundering Congolese blood gold through its pristine, genocide-free image. The US Treasury, in a fit of moral clarity, has designated an entity so tangled in conflict minerals that even the most cynical of diamond merchants would blush.
British firms, meanwhile, have been urged to ‘audit their supply chains.’ Because nothing says ‘we care about human rights’ like a self-audit. It’s like asking a fox to count the chickens and report back honestly. The suggestion is so laughably inadequate that I half-expected the government to follow up with a request for a strongly worded letter and a sponsored ‘thoughts and prayers’ for the dead.
Let us examine this farce. The sanctioned refinery, as any cursory glance at a map of Africa’s open wounds will tell you, is a funnel for gold that has been soaked in the tears of the Congolese. The United Nations has documented how Rwanda has been exploiting the chaos in eastern Congo, propping up militias and looting resources. But sanctions? Oh, they’re for lesser mortals, not for Paul Kagame’s tidy little authoritarian paradise.
The message from Washington is clear: ‘We will slap your wrist, but only because the optics are bad.’ Meanwhile, the British government, ever the obedient spaniel, wags its tail and promises to ‘look into it.’ The UK’s Africa Minister, a man whose job description seems to be ‘appear concerned at select photo opportunities,’ will no doubt issue a statement.
But let’s not be too hard on the Brits. After all, they have a proud tradition of looking the other way while resources are plundered. From the East India Company to the diamond mines of Sierra Leone, the British have always known that a well-audited supply chain is one that hires the right auditors. The kind who understand that a little bit of blood adds a certain richness to the gold.
The real joke is on the Congolese. While their country is carved up like a Sunday roast, the international community tinkers with sanctions and audit recommendations. Perhaps the next step will be a strongly worded letter to the militias, or a UN resolution that everyone will promptly ignore.
In the grand tradition of gonzo journalism, I propose a different solution. Let’s cut out the middlemen. Instead of sanctioning a single refinery, why not sanction the entire concept of conflict gold? Ban it outright. Of course, that would require a spine, which is in short supply when it comes to the global elite’s access to shiny things.
But no, we’ll continue with the charade. The US will sanction one refinery, the Brits will audit their supply chains, and somewhere in the hills of eastern Congo, a miner will die so that a wedding ring can be sold in Birmingham. And we will all pretend that a piece of paper with a government stamp makes it all better.
So raise a glass of gin, dear reader. Preferably one that hasn’t been sourced from a conflict zone. But if it has, rest assured, the government is auditing it. Probably. Eventually.
