In a development that has left the Kremlin’s lightbulbs flickering and Vladimir Putin’s face a shade of crimson not found in nature, Ukraine has reportedly turned the Crimean peninsula into a giant, involuntary camping site. UK intelligence, presumably sipping tea and monitoring the situation from a bunker in Cheltenham, has assessed the blackout as ‘a significant blow to Russian prestige.’ Well, quite.
The strikes, described by a Ukrainian official as ‘a gentle reminder that electricity is a privilege, not a right,’ have plunged occupied Crimea into a darkness so profound that even the local oligarchs are struggling to find their caviar. Initial reports suggest the power outage has disrupted everything from military communications to the functioning of Vladimir Putin’s personal hairdryer in his Yalta dacha. A source close to the Kremlin told me, ‘The president is furious. He’s been reduced to using a candle to read his briefing notes, and he’s convinced the flickering flame is making him look weak.’
The UK Ministry of Defence, in its daily intelligence update, opined that the blackout ‘underscores the fragility of Russia’s grip on occupied territory.’ This is diplomatic language for: ‘Putin’s mates can’t even keep the lights on, and they’re supposed to be a superpower.’ The update further suggested that Moscow would be forced to ‘urgently reassess its air defence and energy infrastructure protection.’ In laymen’s terms: the Russians are now going to have to spend billions on surge protectors.
Meanwhile, in Crimea, the local population is rediscovering the joys of pre-industrial living. ‘It’s like the 19th century, but with more sanctions,’ one resident told me via a smuggled carrier pigeon. ‘We’re using abacuses instead of calculators, and the only thing blacker than the sky is the mood at the Russian naval base.’ The blackout, which has also affected the Kerch Bridge – that great concrete monument to Russian engineering hubris – has caused traffic jams as drivers navigate by the light of their mobile phones. It’s a metaphor, you see. Russia’s advance into the 21st century is being halted by a lack of electrons.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, never one to miss an opportunity for a cinematic one-liner, declared: ‘The darkness in Crimea is the shadow of the Kremlin’s defeat.’ He then reportedly lit a cigar with a flaming copy of the Minsk agreements. The strikes were carried out by Ukrainian drones, which, according to intelligence, have been modified with an impressive array of off-the-shelf components, including a kettle from Argos and a SatNav from a 2015 Ford Fiesta.
The British assessment concludes that Putin’s options are narrowing. He can either attempt a hugely expensive repair operation, siphon power from the Russian mainland using an extension cord the length of the Kerch Strait, or admit defeat and turn Crimea into the world’s largest glamping resort. Given his track record, he’ll probably just blame NATO and order another round of patriotic vodka. But the lights are off, the music has stopped, and somewhere in the Kremlin, a lonely janitor is sweeping up the broken pieces of Russia’s imperial delusion.
As for us, we’ll be watching from the safety of our electrically-gridded island, possibly with a gin and tonic in hand, wondering how long it will take for the first Russian tourist to complain about the lack of charging points in Yalta. The answer, I suspect, is not very long at all.
