The world’s most exclusive dinner party is being planned, and you, dear reader, are not invited. Xi Jinping, Chairman of the People’s Republic of China and occasional avuncular penguin impersonator, is set to shuffle into Pyongyang for a chinwag with Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Leader of North Korea and the world’s most ambitious hairstyle enthusiast. This rare tête-à-tête, a joint venture in eccentric autocracy, has sent seasoned gents in Whitehall to freshen their G&Ts and clutch their umbrellas with renewed vigour.
Let us dissect this diplomatic canapé. It is, first and foremost, a masterclass in theatrical geography. Xi, whose schedule is no doubt a bingo card of trade talks and territorial gripes, has carved out time to play nice with the Hermit Kingdom’s cherubic tyrant. Why? Perhaps to remind the West that bamboo curtains can double as iron ones. Or maybe Kim has promised Xi a guided tour of the world’s most misleadingly named ‘hotel’ (the Ryugyong, a toothpick-tower of thwarted ambition). Either way, the chattering classes are frothing.
The pyjama party’s implications, should they serve as a euphemism, are dire for the so-called ‘rules-based order’. Picture a pair of bull elephants lumbering through a china shop of global norms. Their agenda: to coordinate smiles of smugness, exchange silky robes of mutual admiration, and perhaps sign a pact that ensures the West wakes up with a gentle headache of geopolitical dread.
But let us not be churlish. This could all be a farce. Xi might simply want a picture of Kim holding a panda, or Kim might be angling for a new nuclear launch pad disguised as a ping-pong table. The West, ever the anxious uncle at the wedding, will respond with stern statements and possibly an extra carrier group deployment. Yet the absurdity persists: two men who command the lives of billions meeting in a city that boasts a stadium larger than most nations’ GDPs, yet whose cuisine consists primarily of pickled cabbage and desperate hope.
Meanwhile, the media’s laser focus on ‘threats to Western alliances’ is a parochial cry from a corner shop terrified of a new Tesco. Alliances, dear reader, are the slow-dance of diplomacy: often awkward, prone to stepping on toes, and occasionally ending in a sprained shoulder of war. Xi and Kim’s buddy movie is simply the latest episode in the long-running serial ‘East vs West: The Sequel Nobody Asked For’.
In conclusion, brace for a flurry of think-pieces, a tremor in the bond market, and possibly a new missile test timed for maximum annoyance. But the real threat? It might be the quality of the alcohol served at the subsequent diplomatic receptions. Here’s hoping they stock a decent gin.
