In a stunning display of efficiency that has left Whitehall officials clutching their pearls and their expense accounts, Italian authorities have successfully seized a cool €15 million from the estate of a recently deceased Mafia boss. Meanwhile, UK law enforcement continues to search for a clue. Or a spine. Or possibly both.
The dead don, one Salvatore 'The Shark' Scammetti, apparently believed in taking it with him. Unfortunately for his heirs, Italian financial police have a better nose for dirty money than a truffle pig after a three-day bender. They found the cash hidden in a series of Swiss accounts, a villa in Tuscany, and what is believed to be a collection of solid gold bidets.
Back in Blighty, our own asset recovery teams are reportedly 'tracking' hidden Mafia millions. Tracking implies movement. These people haven't moved this fast since the last time the parliamentary bar announced a two-for-one on sherry. The Home Office has confirmed they are 'actively investigating', which is official jargon for 'we've lost the paperwork and the intern is Googling the Mafia as we speak'.
Let us not forget that this is the same country that once lost a suitcase containing £1 million of taxpayers' money. We also managed to misplace an entire nuclear submarine for three days. Somewhere in Whitehall, a civil servant is no doubt congratulating himself on his 'enhanced due diligence' while simultaneously hiding a suspicious offshore account under his dog's name.
The Italian operation, dubbed 'Operation Bagno di Sangue' (Bloodbath), involved 200 officers, three helicopters, and a priest who exorcised the cash. By contrast, the British approach appears to involve one overworked DC, a cracked magnifying glass, and a copy of 'Mafia for Dummies' borrowed from the library.
But let us not be too harsh. After all, our law enforcement has been busy. Busy catching people who haven't paid their TV licence. Busy fining cyclists for not having bells. Busy protecting the public from the scourge of... well, anything that doesn't involve a written warning and a leaflet.
The truth is, the Mafia probably feels safer investing in London property than in Sicilian cheese shops. Our capital has become a haven for laundered cash, where oligarchs and gangsters can buy entire streets without raising an eyebrow. The only thing we seize with any enthusiasm is the moral high ground.
As for the Italian millions, they will now be used to fund schools, hospitals, and perhaps a statue of a financial policeman riding a unicorn. In Britain, we would probably spend it on a feasibility study into the possibility of doing something vaguely useful, conducted by a consultancy run by the PM's former flatmate.
So here's to you, Salvatore 'The Shark'. You may be dead, but your treasure has finally found a worthy home. And to the UK's finest: please, for the love of all that is holy, find something other than your backside to track. Perhaps you could start with the millions that are currently funding the champagne habits of some very unpleasant people. Or you could just wait for them to die and then have a rummage through their belongings. That seems to be the current strategy.
The G&T count is now leading the asset recovery count by a record margin. I'm off to interview a money launderer. Or maybe just the bartender at the Commons. The difference is increasingly academic.
