In what can only be described as a pyrotechnic display of bureaucratic incompetence, a fire in a Delhi commercial building has killed 21 foreign nationals, prompting the UK to offer forensic aid. Because nothing says 'we care' like sending a team of clipboard-wielding experts to gawp at the ashes while sipping lukewarm tea.
Let us set the scene. A building in Delhi, presumably equipped with the latest in fire prevention technology such as hope and prayer, transforms into a roaring funeral pyre. The victims: 21 souls from other lands, lured here by the promise of India's booming economy and a chance to sample the local cuisine. Instead, they got a crash course in the country's fire safety standards, which appear to be loosely based on the game of Kerplunk.
Now, enter the British. Ah, the British! We arrive not with fire engines or rescue helicopters, but with forensic experts. These sherlock holmes wannabes will no doubt spend weeks sifting through the rubble, tweezers in hand, searching for clues that will tell us what we already know: that the building had fewer fire exits than a public school boy's sense of humour, and that the local authorities were probably too busy taking bribes to notice the smoke.
But let us not be unfair. The British offer of aid is a masterclass in diplomatic theatre. It screams: 'We are appalled! We are outraged! We are also completely useless in a crisis, but here's a forensic team to prove we're doing something.' It's the international relations equivalent of sending a sympathy card when someone crashes their car, then turning up a week later to analyse the tyre marks.
The Indian authorities, for their part, will no doubt welcome this assistance with the enthusiasm of a man accepting a free colonoscopy. 'Oh, thank you, British experts! Please, do come and examine our regulatory failures. We're sure your superior forensic skills will uncover the root cause: capitalism, corruption, and a complete disdain for human life.'
Meanwhile, the families of the deceased are left to mourn, while the rest of us sit back and enjoy the circus. The media will milk this for every drop of pathos. Expect headlines like 'Delhi Tragedy: A City in Mourning' followed by 47 articles about how this could have been prevented with more sprinklers and fewer weddings.
But let's be honest: this is not a tragedy. This is a predictable outcome. In a country where building regulations are treated as rough guidelines and fire safety is an afterthought, these deaths were always a matter of when, not if. The real surprise is that anyone is surprised.
So raise a glass to the 21 foreign nationals who came to Delhi seeking opportunity and found a fiery end. And another to the British experts who will spend taxpayer money to produce a report that will gather dust on a shelf in Whitehall. Because nothing says 'lessons learned' like a commendable gesture that changes absolutely nothing.
